


The place that I call my home

by RubyEliz



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Developing Relationship, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-09
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2019-03-29 03:46:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 36,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13918695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RubyEliz/pseuds/RubyEliz
Summary: A spur of the moment offer leads to Rin moving in with Haru the summer before University. Will it force them to finally untangle the truth of their relationship, or cause them to break apart for good?





	1. Home

The first time Haru visits Rin’s house he is surprised by how small it is - more of a flat really, with Rin, his mother and Gou all cooped up into three compact rooms. Rin hadn’t planned for him to be there - a silly matter of some forgotten goggles which Rin did try to just run in and grab - but before either of them could protest they had been swept in by Rin’s mother and ushered into the kitchen for tea.

It’s strange to Haru to see Rin in this way - being gently embarrassed by his mother and surrounded by the mess and noise of family. He can’t help but stare, overcome by the sudden new insight into Rin’s home life. His eyes linger on Rin’s bed, a rolled up futon in the corner of their small communal room surrounded by half unpacked boxes from his dorm at Samezuka. This isn't what he had pictured at all.

Haru had always just figured that Rin, with his pristine clothes and fancy schooling, was rich. It’s only now that certain details click into place – how unlikely it is that a one income family could afford the academy fees, his relentless studying and the way that Rin would always chose to spend weekends and holidays boarding even though home was only a short train ride away. He vaguely remembers hearing something about a scholarship, but had assumed that that had been a reward for Rin’s swimming rather than a necessity. He feels ashamed. Not only for how little thought he had given it - how little it appears he has known about his friend's life - but also for how he must appear to Rin. Living off family money, the large house his grandmother left them all to himself, never really worrying too much about mediocre grades or a few skipped classes.

He tells himself that this is the reason he asks Rin to stay with him for the rest of the summer.

Rin is surprised but relieved at the chance to escape from being underfoot all the time, and both he and his mother agree quickly, the latter attempting to press money into Haru’s hand, which he of course refuses. He has to turn away from the quiet relief that shows in her face.

And so Rin packs a bag, and this is how one short train journey later Haru has a roommate.

 

* * *

 

The first few days are a little strained. Other than their short trip to Australia - when Haru spent most of the time barely feeling up to engaging with his surroundings - it's been a long while since they spent any real time alone together. Rin brings so little with him and keeps it so neatly tucked out of sight that it seems clear to Haru that he doesn't expect that this will work. They are too polite with each other. Rin doesn’t seem able to sit still or stop cleaning things or offering to cook things - to the point that Haru finds himself snapping that he invited Rin to stay, he didn’t hire him as help.

But, just as Haru is starting to question the wisdom of the arrangement, something imperceptible starts to ease between them. They hit on a routine that works - runs before breakfast, followed by a short hot shower for Rin and then a long cool bath for Haru. Afternoons are for swimming - endless races that neither Rin or Haru seem to be keeping score of, or long lazy hours at the beach with Nagisa, Makoto and Rei. Some days Rin goes to spend time with his mother and Gou, or with friends from Samezuka and Haru is left to enjoy the quiet, reading or painting or visiting Makoto’s family. Rin stops being on his best behavior all the time and allows himself to be stroppy or rude or demanding sometimes. They bicker together over inconsequential things like the right way to do laundry or what to have for dinner, and laugh over shared memories or brand new jokes that are just for them.

Rin’s belongings, once tucked in a tight corner of Haru’s room, slowly start to spread out around the house, until everywhere Haru looks there is evidence of his presence - his books, his clothes, a half drunk mug of tea or a strand of red hair left on a pillow. These small pieces of Rin’s life calm Haru in a way that he can’t account for. He likes that Rin now kicks his shoes off in the doorway, or flops on the sofa with his feet up on the cushions. He likes watching the TV shows Rin watches or listening to the music he enjoys.

It feels to Haru like they are finding a way back together, finally able to stop tearing each other down and apart and instead building new intimacies between them: Rin shows Haru the place where his father is buried without feeling the need to hide his tears. Haru stops brushing off Rin’s questions about his own family and tells him a little about his life growing up with absent parents, and the many quiet evenings he spent here alone as a boy. Together, they seem to be learning how to orbit the same space without needing the constant cycle of action and reaction. And the house feel like home to Haru in a way it hasn’t since his Grandmother died.

Somewhere along the way, Haru comes to accept that he’s probably in love with Rin. There’s no great moment of revelation - he thinks perhaps he has known this for a while, always pushing the idea of it to just beyond his line of sight - but as the days pass it becomes harder to ignore. Harder to rationalise the way that when Rin casually throws an arm around his shoulders - when they are cooking, or after a particularly good run - he finds it difficult not to lean into his touch. Or how, even after spending a whole day within arms reach of Rin, he finds he still wants more - more of his time, more of his attention, more easy laughs and stupid challenges. In the evenings, after a long hard swim or just a touch too much sun, when he and Rin are able to just be quietly together, Haru can feel the warmth in his chest build until he is sure Rin must be able to see that he is glowing.

He wonders if Makoto knows. Makoto who has always been able to tell what Haru is thinking before he needs to say a word. He wishes that they could talk about it so Makoto could tell him what to do but, true to form, he can’t find the words to start.

Telling Rin is out of the question. Their friendship - if that's what it is - may have deep foundations, but this sense of closeness - of trust between them - still feels too new, hard-won and fragile to risk setting against something so large and unwieldy.

It's not like Haru can even put into words what exactly it is that he wants from Rin. The idea of the two of them going out on dates - of asking Rin to share candle lit dinners or to hold his hand while walking along the beach - seems wholly inadequate compared to what he feels and, frankly, faintly ridiculous. Thinking too much about the other ways he might want Rin is dangerous and leaves him burning, unable to look his friend in the eye.

So nothing much changes. They run, they swim, they bicker and laugh. Rin occasionally manages to drag Haru to the gym and begins teaching him his weights routine. Haru makes a fuss each time but doesn't mind really - he’s willing to do anything that will help him feel the water better, and anything that might allow him to inhabit the same worlds as Rin.

The days glide into weeks and Haru manages to keep himself from breaching the limits of their routine. He still welcomes the easy intimacies of Rin looping an arm around his shoulders, or ruffling his hair or even the soft jabs that accompany Rin’s mock annoyance, but he is firm with himself and keeps from seeking these fleeting touches. He never lets his gaze linger.

Only occasionally at night, once Rin is sleeping, does Haru let himself silently weigh the rush of joy he feels in Rin’s presence, and what that could mean for their friendship. He listens to Rin’s gentle, rhythmic breathing and allows himself to write and rewrite all the possible paths towards a life together, all the while counting down the numbered and dwindling days they have left on the same continent. He torments himself with how easy it would be just to reach out and touch him, were it not completely impossible. He tries to be content with this quiet longing.

But the truth of his heart begins to press down on Haru, calcifying in his chest so that at times it feels harder to breathe. Haru thinks he can live with it. He just needs to last these final few weeks without breaking what they have built together and then Rin will be gone, back to Australia behind walls of email and text, the danger passed. He tries to make believe that it’s like the final meters of a sprint race - he just needs to hold his breath and will himself to keep going, will his hand to reach the wall on the other side and then he will be safe and able to breathe again.

He thinks he can make it.

But then the storm comes in.


	2. The storm: part I

At first it's just an inconvenience. A day of terrible weather that keeps them cooped up in the house with no option to run or swim. Rin spends the day restless. Prowling and anxious, his energy is all off and the usually near-constant chatter absent. Haru finds he can’t read him. He retreats to the bath. They are both irritable and overly short with each other until every silly fight loses all sense of scope or scale. So much so that by evening they are barely speaking, Haru’s nerves crackling with unspent energy and the unspoken tension in the air.

He doesn’t like it, the way he feels so suddenly unmoored. It reminds him too much of the _other_ Rin. The one that came back from Australia all hard edges and hunched shoulders, stricken and shuttered. The one that pushes him away. The one that might hurt him...

Lying in the dark of his room (which he privately thinks of as _theirs_ ), Haru listens to the lashing of the rain. Rin is still and quiet on the futon beside his bed, but Haru doesn’t think he’s asleep yet. He knows his breathing too well at this point. He wishes he could think of something funny or clever to say that would ease the tension that’s fallen over them. But he’s never been funny like Nagisa or clever like Rei. He isn't even kind like Makoto is. Makoto could surely do a better job in this situation...

Sleep doesn’t come easy, but somehow he falls into a restless dreaming.

That is until something wakes Haru with a start. It takes him a couple of bleary eyed moment’s to realise something is very wrong. The storm outside is battering against his windows, great pelting sheets of rain crashing against the glass, but this isn’t what has woken him.

He can hear gasping, a sort of choked panting coming from beside him...Rin. It sounds like he is in pain.

Suddenly completely awake and shot through with icy fear, Haru lurches upright, blinking into the gloom at the figure beside him.

Rin is on his knees, bent almost double, one hand gripping his tangled bedsheets, the other clawing at his chest.

The day’s arguments are forgotten in an instant as Haru launches himself off the bed and to Rin’s side, trying to hide the fear in his voice.

“Rin! Rin what is it? What’s wrong?” He dimly remembers this happening once before when they were kids - a terrible storm, Rin’s unbridled fear... a panic attack? He didn’t realise Rin still struggled this way. The violence of his father’s death still echoing through to present day.

Rin looks up at Haru then, his eyes blank with nameless terror, his skin pale and sheened with sweat. Haru has never seen him look so afraid, and this alone sends a violent stab of panic through his own chest.

“Haru….can’t...breathe...” Rin’s chest is rising and falling much too rapidly, rattling emptily as he fights to get the words out.

Haru doesn’t know what to do and without giving it much thought at all really he moves quickly and quietly closer to Rin - at first just placing what he hopes is a reassuring hand on his back, before he slips his palm under Rin’s shirt, laying it flat against the smooth muscle there, feeling the staccato rise and fall as Rin shudders painfully. He presses his face close against Rin’s neck and tries to still the panic in his own breath. Circling his other arm around to clasp Rin’s fingers in his own, Rin clutches to him desperately in return.  

“I’m here Rin, I’m here and you are safe”

Rin, still gasping and choking down his panic seems to still a little at Haru’s words.

“Haru...I can’t...” he sobs out, but the words sound a little less frantic that before.

Haru shushes him gently, sliding his arm around from Rin’s back, encircling him and splaying his hand over Rin’s chest, feeling the clammy warmth of his skin, the racing stutter of his heart.

“Shhh Rin its OK, don’t try to talk. You’re safe with me. Just breathe, breathe with me Rin”

Haru pushes gently against Rin until his back is flush against his own chest. He takes a few deep exaggerated breaths.

“See, like that. In, then out”

Chest heaving, Rin takes a great shuddering breath, and then another. Haru presses closer against Rin’s skin, willing it to be enough, willing that he can love the air back into Rin’s lungs. Rin gives a stuttering sigh and rests his weight back against Haru, eyes closed, his eyelashes long and dark and wet with tears. He is still panting slightly, but Haru can feel that his heart rate is slowing, the breaths becoming deeper and more even.

“That’s it, you’re safe Rin, you’re safe with me”

And Haru loves him then. In that moment, Haru can’t help but think about how impossibly much he loves Rin, who throws his whole heart into everyone and everything he cares about even in spite of these deep wounded places that Haru just wants to be able to reach and heal.

He knows he’s probably wrong to think these things, to enjoy this closeness even slightly when he can feel that Rin is still trembling, fighting hard against a terror Haru can’t see or fend off for him. But Haru can’t help it. He’s come to accept that loving Rin is just a part of who he is. In fact, he loves Rin so much that he is scared nothing else in his life will ever feel as important as holding Rin does now.

Slowly, Haru guides Rin down, back against the futon, still whispering gentle reassurances to him.

_“You’re safe here Rin, you’re with me, you’re safe”._

He tells Rin this again and again, waiting until he is sure that he has fallen asleep before Haru lies silently fighting his own exhaustion for as long as he can. Trying to commit to memory the feeling of Rin’s skin against his own.

 

* * *

 

In the morning, Haru wakes slowly. As he swims up from unconsciousness, it takes a while for him to register that he’s not in his usual place, in his usual position. He’s on his back, blinking up at the ceiling dozily, an unfamiliar but not unwelcome weight pressing down on him.

Rin’s body is warm and cosy and draped across him like a duvet.

Haru feels his heart rate pick up as he angles his head ever so slightly to look down at the sleeping figure beside him. Rin’s chin is resting against Haru’s collarbone, his face nestled in towards him. His whole body is curled against Haru, their legs tangled, Rin’s left arm swung over Haru’s chest, hand gently cupping Haru’s neck. He looks peaceful asleep, Haru thinks. And beautiful, Rin is so beautiful. Haru feels a shudder of something – like electricity or adrenalin - trill through him.

Ever so carefully, he tries to shift a little to get a better look at Rin’s expression, but despite his best efforts Rin stirs slightly in his sleep. He lets out a low grumble of protest and nuzzles closer into Haru, his nose brushing lightly against the sensitive skin of Haru’s throat. Seemingly of their own accord Rin’s fingers start to brush lightly against Haru’s neck, curling around Haru’s spine. Haru can’t help but to stretch out, giving better access, willing Rin’s fingers to keep caressing his skin. He can feel his blood start to heat and the smallest sigh escapes from his lips.

Its enough. Its too much.

Rin freezes and Haru can feel all the muscles of his body go tense. His eyes fly open and register Haru and for a moment they are frozen. Eye to eye, faces, lips no distance apart. Haru doesn’t dare blink and so witnesses in painful detail the moment the realization clouds Rin’s eyes, the panic that bleeds in, the … fear?

Rin tears away from him so fast and is crouched across the room from Haru before his body has chance to register the loss of warmth, the ghost of it still playing on Haru’s skin.

 _Well, that’s that then._ Haru tries to keep his features impassive but feels something inside him crumple, crestfallen as he takes in the utter shock and horror playing out on Rin’s face.  

“What the .. Haru why are you?...I didn’t…I wasn’t”  

Haru turns away, can’t look him in the eye. “There was a storm Rin. That’s all”

Rin’s eyes widen as memory seems to click into place and a blush spreads to the tips of his ears. He looks away raking a hand through his hair, “Right, yeah. Um, sorry about that Haru. I didn’t mean...sorry”.

An uncomfortable silence falls between them. Rin is still breathing harder than he should. He stands and turns away - “bathroom” he mutters by way of an explanation as he slips from the room.

Haru turns over and curls in on himself, allowing for one short moment to feel the full sharpness and brightness of the pain. Then he gets up and begins to tidy away the bedding, his palm absentmindedly reaching up to rub circles on his chest. He is determined to act as normal, to ignore the feeling that his heart is splintering under his fingers.

 

* * *

 

They don’t mention the storm again and together conduct a brief and silent examination of the perimeter of the house, unbattoning the windows and checking for damage. The air is calm and bright and clear in a way it only can be after a storm, and aside from a few broken branches and washed out plants everything appears unbroken. Haru knows better.

They work through the rest of their morning routine - washing up, drinking tea and changing into running kit - like a well rehearsed performance. But nothing feels right to Haru. Rin’s eyes are red and he is avoiding looking at him. He seems to have erected an invisible perimeter around himself, shifting and angling his body so that he and Haru stay at opposite ends of a room. Haru is humming with a low level panic. He doesn’t want to go back there, to when Rin set himself too far away for Haru to reach, but its clear he has overstepped.

They set out on their usual running route, but right away the pace is off. Rin is admittedly a _slightly_ faster runner than Haru, but he would always moderate his speed so that they could run shoulder to shoulder, occasionally lightly jostling or bumping each other along the undulating paths.

This morning though, Rin sets off at a blistering clip so that Haru finds he has to really concentrate to keep up. He settles in just behind and to the left of Rin and Rin doesn’t glance back or seem to notice or care that Haru is lagging. Haru’s pride kicks in and he grits his teeth. He’ll be damned if he lets Rin drop him completely or he has to ask him to slow down.

When they reach their usual halfway point Haru drifts to make the turn but, noticing that Rin isn't following him, comes to an abrupt stop, panting. Rin turns, bouncing lightly on his feet but won’t meet Haru’s eyes, seeming instead to look at the air just above Haru’s shoulder, his gaze flat.

“I’m going to carry on a bit today - too much time indoors. Catch you later?” His tone is light but it sounds forced and he doesn't wait for Haru’s response before he tears away, hair flying in the wind where its slipped his tie.

Haru stays where he is, feeling like the air’s been knocked from his lungs. He watches Rin run away from him until he shrinks and blurs to a small dot. All he can think is ‘ _you’re leaving me again’._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next... Rin's PoV...


	3. The storm: part II

Rin runs and runs and runs until his muscles burn and he is almost retching with the acrid tang that burns the back of his throat. He needs to purge this out of him - the shame, the fear. The weakness.

His chest and shoulders still feel tight from the suffocating panic of last night. At the time it had felt bottomless, and only Haru’s presence had calmed the swell. Now though, he feels utterly foolish and thinking of Haru just causes his chest to tighten all over again, the shadow of the night’s anxiety transformed into a fresh panic that has nothing to do with his nightmares and can’t be out-run by the light.

He had been _so sure_ that he had finally gotten his feelings under control. Rin had known that going to stay with Haru could present a problem, but at the time he had been so excited by the chance to spend more time with him that he’d told himself he was being foolish. Naively, he had even been hopeful that being around Haru more might somehow help work him out from his system, force him to accept it was all just a silly childhood crush and that the time had come to put childish things aside.

Of course he had been wrong.

Being close to Haru has never made him want anything other than more closeness. Even as a child, he can remember all it had taken was one race for him to become besotted with Haru’s swimming - for swimming with Haru, faster than Haru and _for_ Haru to suddenly occupy so much of his time and attention. He’d wanted so keenly for Haru to find him as interesting and impressive as he found Haru. And Rin had known how to be charming - had learned early what to do to make himself likeable to others. But none of that had worked on Haru. He had been different, at first so clearly unmoved by Rin that it had made him want to try harder, push more -  work desperately to be bigger and brighter - anything to get Haru’s blue eyes to turn his way.

But then Haru has always had a magnetism that Rin couldn't resist or even really understand. Rin is so completely drawn to Haru - by his calmness, his grace and by his absolute and fixed sense of himself. He’s seen it happen in others too. Watched them be taken in by Haru’s quiet and trip over themselves trying to win some of his time and attention. Haru of course is always oblivious, if not overtly disinterested in opening up his world beyond the rare few who have somehow managed to slip in.

Rin is _so_ _grateful_ that he managed to slip in. That he gets to be one of the lucky few that Haru opens up to, who get to see all the things that make him so special - how thoughtful he is, how fiercely loyal to his friends, how he can get so passionate about art and nature (not to mention water...). How, when he’s not being monosybillic, he has a quick wit and great laugh. Rin thinks Haru has a _really great_ laugh...all quiet and soft but you can tell he really means it.

It took Rin longer than it really should of done for him to realise that they way he felt for Haru was not typical of how other boys his age experienced friendship. That when he went to Australia it wasn’t normal for Haru to have become the bar by which he measured all his classmates, his teammates and friends. Adjusting to his new life had been… difficult, and, without meaning for it to, memories of Haru became a bright spot, a reliable warmth he could call back to when he was feeling overwhelmed or alone. And it had made him feel awkward. Knowing he needed Haru so much more than Haru needed him was uncomfortable. He was supposed to be the international superstar after all… not the kid that failed. He had stopped coming home.

As the years went on, and his time at Iwatobi slipped further into his past, he also became gradually more and more aware that it wasn’t normal not to experience crushes or find people he wanted to date. Lori and Russell had gently teased him about it enough times for him to realise that maybe the problem wasn’t just that he was a ‘late bloomer’. It’s not like he hadn’t tried to move past it either. He’d let himself be egged on into asking girls out, even kissed one or two. Much more privately he’d tentatively explored what it might be like to kiss a boy. But nothing had ever come even close to how he had felt around Haru, and increasingly it became clear to Rin that the torch he held for his friend was at risk of burning him up.

So when he’d come back he’d been a jerk. It had felt too raw and too real to suddenly come face to face with the person who had occupied so much of his idle thoughts and longings. He hadn't been able to handle that while he had been away struggling and failing, stuck unable to move forward with his dream and missing Haru, nothing seemed to have changed at all in Iwatobi, and Haru seemed completely disaffected by whether Rin was even there or not.

He had lashed out in stupid ways, wanting Haru to hurt too. It had felt satisfying being able to get a reaction… a rise out of him. He had wanted desperately for him to notice how he felt, _to know_ , while at the same time completely terrified that he already did, but just didn’t care. He thought it would be easier if he could get Haru to hate him rather than pity him. He hadn’t realised that Haru had stopped swimming because Rin had been hurt. That perhaps he hadn’t been quite as unmoved as it had first appeared.

It's a special kind of miracle to Rin that Haru and the others ever found a way to forgive him. That Haru - who found so many things too troublesome - had taken the trouble to get through to Rin, breaking through all his anger and fear and reminding him of their promise to each other. A sight they had never seen.

He feels lucky that he hadn’t completely messed up when it came to being there for Haru in return, when Haru had looked so lost. Grateful that his stupid stubbornness hadn’t stolen from him the chance to prove to Haru that he could be counted on, could support him. That he cared. And being able to show Haru Australia had meant everything to him (even if it took wiping out his savings to do it). To be able to stand together on the same beach he had experienced with such loneliness and longing as a child, to have helped Haru find his dream, well, selfishly that had done more to heal Rin’s own wounds than he could find the words to say.

He’d tried to of course, but he’d messed that up as well. _Admiration._ Such a cowardly way of phrasing all the feelings he was too afraid to give voice to.

And so he had told himself it was enough. That it was stupid and reckless to ever hope for more. That what they had - friendship, swimming, shared dreams - was special enough. He was used to having to master himself after all - years of dawn starts, of strict diet, of bending his body to his will - he had been sure that he could will himself to master this too. And it had been working… on the whole.

He still found himself pushing sometimes, falling back into old habits of wanting to be better and brighter and more vibrant for Haru. But he’d also slowly come to learn that sometimes it was ok to stop trying to curate every perfect moment and just …. be. That even though Haru can push him better than anyone to be his best, he isn’t actually always expecting for Rin to be more than he is in that moment. Being with Haru is sometimes just...easy, in a way that nothing in Rin’s life has ever really been. And even though he’s older now, and should be stronger, just like when they were kids he never feels more special, never shines more brilliantly, than when he’s just being himself and its somehow enough to win a rare smile from Haru. He’d started to dare to believe that to Haru, perhaps he already was enough.  

And sure, maybe sometimes he’d caught himself looking at Haru a little too long, but that had been ok. He’d had it under control.

Not that that matters now that he’s gone and ruined it all in a reckless moment of weakness.

The storm had distracted him, pulled his focus and his defenses elsewhere so that when Haru had offered him comfort he had thrown himself into his arms like a swooning girl. And more than that, waking up this morning in Haru’s arms… with Haru in his bed... in the liminal space between sleeping and waking he had known that Haru was there and he had wanted him, badly.

Pressed against Haru, tangled together, he’s sure that Haru must have been able to tell. That his body has betrayed him. Now he can’t shake the panic he’d felt at waking up and realising what he’d done… that Haru might know what Rin had been feeling, wanting ...the way he thought about him...it burns him up inside with his secret shame.

And now thats it too late, he realises just how monumentally unprepared he is for Haru to know. He’s not ready for any of this - not ready to face it or talk about it or have to see the disappointment in Haru’s eyes. Because the chance that he could lose him forever suddenly feels so real, and so great. The fear is overwhelming. Rin would rather have just spent the rest of his life hiding behind ‘admiration’ than risk that Haru might _know_ only to reject him.

And so Rin keeps running, because it’s the only thing he knows how to do.

 

* * *

 

When Rin does finally return to Haru’s place he pauses for a moment outside the door, taking a deep breath and squaring his shoulders before entering. He imagines he must look a mess, pale and sweaty and dishevelled. He finds Haru in the kitchen cooking, his hair still damp and curling slightly from what must have been an especially long bath. Haru’s expression is neutral, but his piercing blue eyes fix Rin with that look of his that always makes him feel as if every good thing he has ever done, every mistake and every terrible dark thought is spooled out in front of him for Haru to see.

Rin buckles and turns away, running a hand through his hair. A nervous tick.

Haru’s eyes narrow slightly, “Good run?”

It's a challenge more than a question and Rin feels a tightening in his gut.

He gives a non committal grunt and pretends to busy himself with a stack of magazines, watching Haru from the corner of his eye. Haru is staring at him and Rin tries to fight the rising blush as he clears his throat.

“I was thinking, I’ll probably stay back at home tonight. I should spend a couple of days getting things organised there and, you know, packing for the big move…” He lets the sentence hang. Trying to sound light and casual, as if the thought had just occurred to him when really the only solution he could find throughout all the miles he pounded out was that he needs to get out of there, now.

Haru’s eyes sharpen immediately, “That’s still weeks away.”

Rin rakes his hair again. “Yeah, I know. But you know me - I like to be organised.”

Haru looks for a moment like he wants to say something else, but instead he just gives a small nod. “When will you come back?”

“I’m not sure … a couple of days I guess? Maybe a week?” Rin’s voice catches slightly on the lie. He knows Haru notices.

“Look Rin, if you don't want to stay here anymore you can just tell me that.” Haru’s tone is flat as he stares Rin down.

“No...no way.. Just. maybe you could do with some space too you know, get sorted for Tokyo? I bet you and Makoto have a lot to plan. Beside’s, I can’t just freeload off your parents the whole summer.” Rin hates the way his voices rises, the panic that seeps in.

“You seemed fine with that before.”

“Hey! That’s not fair - I told you I’d pay. I tried.” Rin snaps on reflex, feeling the humiliation creep into his cheeks.

“That’s not what I meant, Rin”

Haru turns away, his attention going back to his cooking. For a while there is only quiet. Rin feels a stab of the old anger. _It’s so unfair that you can be so fucking calm while I fall apart._ He watches the rise and fall of Haru’s back as he breathes

“Rin.. if this is about last night...the storm…”

“No!”

Rin doesn't mean to shout, but it comes out like that anyway, panic rising up. “Don’t go deciding things like that for yourself. You don’t understand anything Haru.”

Haru turns to face him again, and Rin finds he can't look him in the eye.

“Why are you getting angry then, Rin?” Haru is trying, he knows, but there is an edge of frustration in his voice that niggles at Rin, and he can feel himself getting more worked up.

“I’m not angry. I told you I need to pack. Why are you getting in my face about this?”

“I don’t believe you. Rin, we can talk about it.”

Haru moves to take a step toward Rin, his arm lifting, reaching, and its too much. Rin flinches back and the panic takes over. When he speaks again the bitterness in his own voice shocks him.

“Talk about what, Haru?! Since when do you talk about anything? Unless you're expecting me to become a damn mind reader like Makoto.”

Haru freezes. For a second he looks trapped, like he’s been caught out on something, but then his eyes flash, flinty and sharp. Rin instantly wishes he could take the words back.

“At least I don’t run away any time things get a little bit uncomfortable, Rin.” The words come out flat, only the sharpness of Rin’s name betraying that he’s finally getting to Haru too.

“Yeah, because why go anywhere or do anything when you can just hide in the bath.” Rin feels tears of frustration and anger begin to prick at his eyes. He knows he’s lashing out, being cruel. But he can’t seem to stop himself.

“Fuck you, Rin” Haru turns back away, as if to resume cooking, but he’s gripping the counter too hard, his knuckles showing white.

“Nice, Haru. Real nice. I don’t have time for this.”

A moments silence hangs between them, and Rin balls his hands into fists, staring at Haru’s back and willing himself to swallow his anger and say something right for once. This wasn't what he wanted at all. But it's already too late.

“Fine. See you around then.”’ Haru finally snaps out - slamming the pan down so suddenly that Rin jumps - and walking not only out the kitchen but slipping on his trainers and storming out the house, leaving a slightly sad and burnt piece of mackerel smouldering on the worktop.

Rin buries his face in his hands and groans.


	4. After the storm: Haru

Haru’s feet carry him to the beach before he really registers where he is heading. He needs the water though, for the rhythm of the swell and fall of the surf to somehow bleed in through his skin and slow his racing heart.

He flops down onto the sand and huddles up into himself. The shore is littered with mess and detritus churned up by the storm, the violence of the night before not wholly forgotten. He stares out at the mixed up blue and wills himself to calm down.

He’s so …..angry. And frustrated, and sad and it all hurts so much. He feels humiliated and rejected and he hates that it’s Rin that has made him feel this way.  

He’d known the chances that Rin - bright, bold, dazzling Rin - might want him in the same way were slim to none. He’d accepted that. Even in those heady seconds before Rin had woken up and realised where he was - when Haru had felt Rin touch his skin in a way that he’d only ever let himself think about when the need got too much and he was sure he was alone - even then, he hadn’t been able to begin to allow himself believe it could mean anything. But he also hadn’t fully prepared himself for how… freaked out Rin had seemed. The way he had visibility flinched when Haru reached out to him, the way he’d physically run from him. It...god it _hurts_.  

He wishes that his emotions didn’t always get away from him so much when it came to Rin. He remembers first meeting him and feeling immediately overwhelmed, finding it a bother if he’s honest. He wonders if maybe it would have been better if it had stopped there, if he’d been able to write him off as some obnoxious redhead kid with a big mouth. But Rin got in. Got under his skin.

He finds himself wondering absently if anyone has ever managed to do that for Rin. It’s not a nice thought. Not that it should make much difference at this point since Rin has made himself quite clear as far as Haru is concerned, but he does find himself hoping that Rin isn’t in love with someone else. Maybe there was someone in Australia? Rin had never said and he’d never asked. Had never felt brave enough to hear the reply. And maybe that’s strange in and of itself, for two friends their age to never have discussed romance or dating. But for Haru that’s because there has never been anyone but Rin, so it wasn’t like there was anything to say.

Maybe he should have said something.

He then thinks of sitting on Bondi beach with Rin, and how important that had felt. Of how many big emotions he’d had just on the tip of his tongue, but unable to form them into the right words. Being with Rin in Australia had made his future seem like something to be hopeful about - something exciting - rather than something to fear. Rin believed he could do it - believed in him, that he could be something - and it had helped him believe it too. Helped him want it for himself.

He needs that - needs Rin pushing him forward and giving him something to chase after. Stopping him from just being ordinary - and that scares him now. Because what if Rin really does leave him behind again?

 

* * *

 

By the time Haru gets back to the house Rin is gone. Haru knew that he would be, and yet the knowledge doesn’t shield him from the wave of sadness that hits. He’s packed up most of his things from the bedroom, but several of his books and CDs and items of clothing are still spread around the house. He wants to read some sign of hope in this, but it seems more likely that Rin was just rushing.

There also a new message blinking on the house phone voicemail. He presses the button, wanting to believe it might be Rin, but knowing there are only maybe two people in his life that don’t know him well enough to still try and reach him this way. The voice comes out, familiar but distant all the same:

 _“Haruka it’s your mother. I just wanted to let you know your father and I won’t be able to make our regular trip this month. Things are really heating up with your father’s work and well… you know how it is, it can’t be helped. We popped another 700,000_ _¥_ _into your account, but it looks like you haven't really touched the last installment - are you eating ok? Don’t you need things for college? Books? Tuition? In any case, I’ve asked Mrs. Tachibana to keep an eye out for you so don’t forget to say thank you. ok son? Now, you keep well and you know…. be good... We’ll speak soon!”_

Normally this would be fine. He expects it. He’s used to it. But today, it just... slips through. A glancing blow that hits just enough to topple him. He deletes the message and runs a bath, welcoming the cool silence of the water.

 

* * *

 

He’s not sure how long he floats there - long past the point of the skin on his fingers becoming wrinkled and prune-like - but it’s already getting dark by the time he hears the bathroom door slide open. It’s no surprise to see Makoto stood there gazing down at him, eyes soft with worry.

“Hey Haru, my mom told me what happened with your parents and I wanted to check in on you… I’m really sorry they’re not coming again.”

Haru takes Makoto’s offered hand, and lets himself be pulled up, Makoto draping a towel around his shoulders. He’s shivering in just his jammers, hadn’t realised how cold the water had gotten.

Makoto looks around as if just realising that something is missing. “Hey Haru… where’s Rin? I thought he might be home with you?”

Haru looks away sullenly. “He left.”

Makoto’s face clouds and Haru’s grateful he doesn’t need to go into details.

“Oh….I...er I see. I’m...sorry Haru. You should….you should come over. Ren and Ran have a new game they are dying to show you, and my mom would really like it if you joined us for dinner.”

Haru nods gratefully, teeth chattering a little, before quickly pulling on some clothes and grabbing a few things from his room.

Dinner at the Tachibana’s is a typically happy, noisy affair, with the twins showing off for Haru and clambering over their brother. Haru is grateful for the familiarity and the warmth, and that they don’t ask much of him. They know him well enough, know his parents well enough, to let him sit in silence and push his food round his plate.  

Makoto asks him to stay the night which is also a relief. He’s not ready to go back to that empty house and Makoto’s room has been like a second home to him since they were children. The familiarity of the routine is comforting, and lying in the dark listening to Makoto’s breathing, punctuated occasionally by soft snores, makes him feel solid and safe again. Reminds him that even without his parents, without Rin, he won’t disappear completely. That there are still people he matters to.

 

* * *

 

The next morning Makoto lets him lay in while he deals with getting the twins up and fed. He pops back into the room to deliver Haru a hot cup of tea, giving him a long look before smiling gently.

“Not ready to talk about it?”

Haru shakes his head and pulls the covers up higher. Makoto doesn’t press and just ruffles Haru’s hair slightly before heading out again. He’s picked up a couple of shifts teaching swimming at the pool with their old coach Sasabe and lets Haru know he’s welcome to stay as long as he likes.

Haru tries to keep busy while Makoto is gone - reading and flipping half heartedly through all the information on Tokyo Makoto has been compiling for their move. He attempts to do some drawing, but everything comes out lumpy and misshapen. His head is still too full of his fight with Rin for anything else to come through clearly. All he really wants to do is sleep. He feels tired in his bones.

When Makoto returns, it is with a big colourful bento full of artfully arranged rice, fish and vegetables. Haru quirks a brow. He knows Makoto is thinking about that time in elementary school just after Rin had left when he had sort of ...forgotten to eat anything other than tinned mackerel. He thanks him and pointedly loads his chopsticks with a big ball of rice, cramming it into his mouth in one go. It sticks in his throat and goes down heavy, but Makoto seems reassured.

They while away the afternoon together playing video games and joining in with Ren and Ran’s antics. It helps a lot. Haru can still feel a weight on his chest, but he feels less at risk of breaking apart when he’s distracted. And Makoto doesn’t push him to dwell on what’s happened. He mentions Rin only once in passing - speaking casually about their regular movie and games night at Haru’s - but after reading Haru’s reaction tactfully avoids bringing him up again. He respects that right now what Haru wants, what he needs is this - company and normalcy and someone to stop him from steeping for too long in the closest body of water.

By the next morning, Haru tells himself he is ok. He gets up early to help with breakfast and then he and Makoto go running. Running with Makoto is always interesting. His friend is so much taller that he tends to adopt a bouncy, lolloping style to keep pace with Haru, giving the impression of an eager puppy. Makoto also always seems completely non-the-wiser about all the looks he attracts when he’s out in his sports kit. But he’s tall and good looking, with kind features and an easy smile, so naturally people - girls especially - turn and stare at them. Haru wonders how it will be when they get to university, all those new people.

Something that’s been nagging at him since his fight with Rin suddenly crystallizes into a coherent thought that takes his breath away and he stops abruptly.

“Makoto... do you ever wish that I wasn’t coming to Tokyo with you? That you could be free to... go there and follow your dream as your own person?”

Makoto almost trips over he stumbles to a stop so fast, his eyes wide with surprise. “Haru, NO! You’re my best friend. How could you think that? I would never want to leave you behind!”

Haru swallows thickly, caught off guard by a crash of some unpleasant emotion and he looks away. “But don’t I… make it difficult...to stay with me?”

Makoto does something unusual then. They’ve never really been big huggers apart from when they were children, but Makoto steps forward and wraps his arms round Haru pulling him into a tight embrace. Haru keeps looking away, blinking rapidly against the pressure that’s formed behind his eyes, but he doesn’t resist and lets Makoto hold him up.  

“Haru, no. It’s not difficult at all. You musn’t let your parents…not even Rin... don’t let them make you think that, ok?”

Haru nods slightly, feeling some of the weight in his chest ease just a little. They stay like that for a moment before Haru gently wriggles away in mock annoyance, tossing the hair out of his eyes slightly self consciously. Makoto smiles at him.

“Haru, Tokyo is going to be an amazing adventure - the city, going to college, living away from home. There’s no one else I’d rather share that with - I’m so happy we get to go together.”

Haru can’t help but smile a little back at his friend. His oldest friend. Closer than family in many ways. He should have known Makoto would never leave him.

“Makoto, thank you...for everything. I’m happy we’ll get to share all that too.”

 

* * *

 

When they get back, Makoto needs to get ready to help coach the swim lessons again so Haru does his best to be helpful, distracting Ren and Ran with silly doodles and sketches of their favorite cartoons. Part of him wishes he could just stay indefinitely, but despite Makoto’s insistence that he’s welcome as long as he needs, he decides it’s time he faced up to going home.

When he gets in, the first thing he does is locate and charge up his clunky old mobile phone. When it powers on he sits cross-legged and waits as the new messages stream in, searching in vain for anything from Rin. The last text from him is old and innocuous - “ _Yep - see you Haru!” -_ but it still feels somehow like a sign that this might be the start of their goodbye. He switches it off and buries it back in a drawer.

He spends the morning pottering around the house, half-heartedly making lists of things he’ll need to take with him to Tokyo and trying to hold onto the brief flash of excitement he’d felt when talking with Makoto earlier. He still avoids the bedroom though, and won’t let himself touch any of the things Rin has left. It’s safest not to think about it too hard he decides. About how in a few short weeks he’ll be in the city and Rin will be worlds away. Rin has left him once before after all, and he survived, he can do it again.

He tries not to think too hard on all the ways it’s different this time - on how much the depth and breadth of his feelings for Rin has grown since they were kids.

Once trying to pack loses its appeal, he naps and takes a bath, but by mid-afternoon the urge to swim starts to take over. A familiar prickling of his skin, the need to use those muscles.

He’s still got training to do after all. He doesn’t officially become a member of his new team until he gets to Tokyo, but his future coaches have been emailing him over swim sets to the account that Makoto set up for him so that he can maintain his fitness and times over the break. Rin was in the same boat with his coach in Australia and so they had been swimming together most days. The faculty at Samezuka has even been letting them use their fancy facilities even though the academy was closed for summer - anything for their golden boy graduate and his national team hopeful friend.

Haru isn’t sure the offer will still extend to him without Rin at his side, but as if on auto pilot he gathers his things and heads there anyway. In anycase, the Iwatobi pool is full with Makoto’s swim classes and it’s only 25m and shallow. The Samezuka pool is state of the art - 50m and clear and deep. There is some private coaching that takes place over the summer, but generally its calm and quiet. Sometimes, if Rin’s old team mates weren’t around, they would even have the whole place to themselves.

Today, as Haru swipes through at the gate with the pass Rin gave him he feels strangely like he’s trespassing. Even though the security guard recognises him and smiles broadly, it feels wrong to be here without Rin.

He heads out onto the deck and right away his eyes are drawn to a familiar flash of red at the far end of the pool. Rin is here after all and Haru isn’t sure if he’s been hoping all along that he would be. He wavers for a moment, unsure of what to do, but in the end the need to swim wins over and he keeps heading to the pool.

Rin hasn’t noticed him yet, his back is to Haru and he’s laughing at something one of his old teammates is saying. Haru watches him, feeling an uncharacteristic flash of jealousy at how at ease he seems. He’s always known Rin was popular - even without the novelty and instant cool of having studied abroad, Rin has just always had a way of...fitting in. People like him, they admire him. He’s sure for more than a few that tips over into hero worship if the silver haired boy he’d handed over his captaincy to was anything to go by. It never usually bothered him too much - new people were too much effort on the whole, and he was happy with the friends he had - but if he is completely honest, it hurts a bit now to see that Rin is just ...carrying on as normal without him.  

But then Rin turns. His eyebrows knit together, his face clouding over. He doesn’t want Haru here …

Haru keeps his face carefully blank, and juts his chin out before pulling down his goggles and diving cleanly into the pool. He can’t believe they are back here….

 

* * *

 

Haru skips his usual warm up and swims a couple of laps all out, conscious that Rin is still stood on deck watching.

He wishes that they could race. He’s sure that would help - they’d both push hard, neither giving an inch until their palms slapped the wall, too close to call. They’d share a smile and that would be it. They’d be ok. And maybe it wouldn’t matter anymore that Haru felt differently to Rin.

But Rin turns to leave and it’s not going to happen. Nothing is ok. He tries to block out the heavy feeling in chest and focus on his form, on creating long, easy, gliding strokes, but the water doesn't feel right today. Like it’s Rin’s pool and he’s lost the right to be there.  

He finishes up his sets as quickly as he can but feels none of the usual calm and clarity creep over him. He just wants to get out of there as soon as possible. It was a mistake coming. The whole place screams to him of Rin, of creeping in to see Rin when he had first come back to Japan, of the happy joint practices they shared as teams when Rin had come back to _them_. He feels like he’s losing his grip on all the distance and perspective he tried so hard to cling to this morning.

He’s almost out the gate and headed back to the station when someone shouts after him. His stomach sinks.

“Yo, Nanase wait up."

Yamazaki Sousuke is striding purposefully in his direction. Haru feels himself tense. Sousuke may be Rin’s closest friend, but there’s never been any love lost between him and Haru. Over the last year they had managed to settle into an uneasy sort of truce for Rin’s sake, but the look on Sousuke’s face as he rounds on Haru shows he’s currently feeling anything but peaceful.

He’s got several inches and at least 20lbs of muscle on Haru and an annoying habit of making full use of it. He towers over him, crowding his personal space. Haru fights the urge to shrink back.

“What do you want Yamazaki?”

“What did you say to Rin?”

“What?”

“I saw him swim earlier. He’s totally off his game. All over the place. And nine times out of ten when Rin’s swimming goes to shit it comes back to you.”

Haru narrows his eyes, annoyed at the clear disapproval in Sousuke’s voice. Rin’s self-appointed protector is the last thing he feels like dealing with.

“He looked fine to me.”

“Yeah well, shows all the things you don’t know. You did something didn’t you?”

Unbidden, the image of Rin trembling in Haru’s arms in the dark, and after, the shock on his face when he woke to Haru in his bed, flashes before his eyes. He tries to ignore the way his chest aches. He looks away and shrugs.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Sousuke exhales irritated.

“Look Nanase, I’ve tried giving you the benefit of the doubt. Makoto and Rin both say you’re for real so i dropped it. But...god it pisses me off seeing you mess with his head. You might have money from mommy and daddy to fall back on, but he doesn’t. This is his shot, don’t mess it up for him.”

Haru feels his cool slip then and his mouth drops open. “Sousuke I wouldn’t....”

“Tsk, I’m not sure you even know you're doing it half the time. Just remember Rin doesn’t owe you anything Ok? I get that you’ve helped his family, letting him stay and all, but that doesn’t mean Rin owes you. Just let him be.”

“Rin...Rin is free to do what he likes.” Haru says carefully, schooling his features back into something he hopes resembles calm.

This seems to be the wrong thing to say though because Sousuke grabs him roughly by the collar.

‘Yeah, and you better not mess with that. Because Rin is going places. He’s got the chance to really be something and he doesn’t need people in his life that are just going to drag him down and hold him back.”

Sousuke lets him go and with a final disgusted glance heads back toward the academy. Haru forces himself to walk slowly to the station, resisting the urge to break into a run. He just wants to be back home where he can shut all of this out. He keeps hearing the echo of Rin’s words in his head, words he thought he was long past. _“I’ll never swim with you again.”_


	5. After the storm: Rin

Taking the train from Haru’s to his mother's house is only a few short stops, but even that gives Rin too much time to think. He feels physically sick and isn’t sure what to do. Whether he should turn back and hope it’s not too late to fix things, or if being around Haru right now will just make things worse.  

He hopes he might have the house to himself for a little bit, a chance to pull himself together, but of course there’s no luck. Gou and his mother are sat sharing lunch in their small kitchen. As soon as he enters the room they turn surprised. One look at him and the bags he’s carrying and his mom’s face clouds with concern.

He thinks he does a good enough job of deflecting her questions though. He throws back his shoulders, puts on his most winning smile and tries to makes it seem like he was just missing family time and wants to get his things sorted. She’s clearly thrilled to have him home, so doesn’t push too hard. He can tell Gou isn’t convinced though. She narrows her eyes at him across the table and he glares right back in warning. His mother has enough on her plate with without him worrying her again too. He falters a little though when his mom asks him if Haru would like to join them for dinner. It catches him off guard and he mumbles something unintelligible about Haru’s parents visiting.

Gou is almost purple at this stage with the questions she is squashing down so Rin makes a swift exit and shuts himself in the family room to tackle the mess of half packed and half unpacked boxes. Between moving out of Samezuka and getting ready for Australia he feels rootless. He hasn’t really lived here for a long time, and as much as he feels bad for thinking it, the flat lost the comfort of home a long time before that. When his Dad…He squashes that thought quickly. And the next one. Because he is surprised to realise that even in the short time he’d been there he’s come think of Haru’s place as home…

He tries to bury himself in packing, just wants some peace and to be busy and alone for a while. But of course there’s no luck there either...

“Rin, you’re a liar.”

Gou announces herself with a hissed whisper as she slips into the room and slides the door shut. She’s clearly trying to sound annoyed, but really she just looks worried and Rin feels a fresh stab of guilt.

“What? Gou, what are you talking about - I’m packing right now aren't I?”

“I mean about why you’re here. Your face did that bright red thing it does, especially when Mom mentioned Haru. You guys aren’t being idiots again are you? You’ve not had another fight?”

Not for the first time, he wishes that maybe he and his sister weren’t quite so close in age. Or that at least she wasn’t so perceptive.

“What? No. And my face doesn’t do any ‘bright red thing’. Jeez, shouldn’t you be off ogling muscles in the park or something.”

Gou starts to protest but then crouches down next to him, tugging on his hair gently like she used to when they were kids and she wanted his attention.

“Onii-chan, I don’t mean to pry it’s just … you looked sad. When you came in, before you had chance to fix your face you looked sad again. And mom saw it too. I know you think you can hide it from her, but she wont stop worrying about you just because you lie to her.”

“Gou, I know. I’m sorry I’m not...sad. I promise. It’s just...there’s a lot to think about before the move and I haven’t been sleeping so well so I thought I’d come home for a bit. That’s all.”

“So if I happen to see Haru, he won’t be sad too, right?”

“What? Don’t go bugging Haru. It’s already weird enough that you’re friends with all my friends just …trust me on this ok.”

Gou raises her eyebrows at him, and he knows he’s not been very convincing, but thankfully she leaves it. Instead taking him by surprise by wrapping her arms around his neck in a rough hug.

“I’m going to miss you when you go again, Onii-chan. You have to keep in touch more this time, Ok? Don’t disappear again.”

“I won’t, I promise. I’ll call all the time until you’re sick of me. Now …buzz off ok, so I can get this done?”

 

* * *

 

Rin stays busy, really busy all day. He organises all his belongings, dropping several bags at local charity shops and boxing up the things he doesn’t need to be stored. He packs and repacks his bags for Australia and cleans the whole house. He goes grocery shopping and tries to cook the dinner too but his mom waves him out the kitchen. Instead he triple checks his bags again just to be sure.

He doesn't sleep much that night. He wants to, or he knows his body wants to at least, but thoughts of Haru, thoughts of Australia, thoughts of swim sets and times keep yanking him into waking any time his exhaustion threatens to get the better of him. So he gives up in the early hours of the morning and runs hard and long again before spending the day trying to distract himself - doing laundry and clearing their small patch of garden until his back aches and his fingers bleed. In the afternoon, he hits the gym with Sousuke who doesn’t say much but looks worried when he’s able to best Rin at all their lifts. Despite Rin’s protests that it’s just an off day, Sousuke drags him out for protein bars and smoothies afterward, giving him a stern lecture on overtraining.

Rin thinks he probably has a point, but he can’t exactly explain to his friend that he needs to keep moving because as soon as he stops he remembers all the awful things he said to Haru. Gets flashbacks of the way he’d woken to find himself pressed up against his body and mere moments away from practically forcing himself on him.   

 

* * *

 

After a third night without sleep though, Rin starts to fall apart. He tries to head out running again because lying awake in the dark quickly becomes too much, but his form is off and he keeps tripping. He feels shaky and weak and has to stop several times to prop himself up and slow the racing of his heart.

Back at home, he tries to pull himself together, choking down strong black coffee even though he doesn't much care for the bitterness and it tends to leave him feeling twitchy rather than energised. He’d promised some of his old Samezuka teammates that he would help them with some summer training today and he’d rather it not be quite so obvious that he feels like he’s been hit with a truck.

The trip to the academy feels strangely lonely. He’s been coming here a lot over the summer - to swim with Haru or to meet up with his old team - but today all he can think about is how much he is about to leave behind again. He wants to go to Australia, he needs to in order to know that he’s doing everything he can for his dream, but he’s been happy these past few months. Really happy until --- He shuts down the thought and instead plugs in his ear buds and tries to lose himself in his music.

 

* * *

 

Training with some of his old team buddies helps. Even though he’s technically graduated and handed over to Ai, they still fall into the habit of deferring to him as captain and it’s easy in return to slip into that mode. Stroke drills, speed sets, split times - this is safe ground for him. He lets the swimming take over.

He doesn’t much feel like swimming freestyle so for his own session he works fly. Sets of 500s that leave him trembling, his overwrought muscles screaming, but his mind thankfully blank of everything but the pool clock.

It’s not destined to last though. As they are finishing up - laughing about some stupid story about Ai accidentally texting the whole team something meant for his mom -  he feels a nudge and one of the incoming seniors calls out:

“Hey Rin, isn’t that Nanase? I thought you said he wasn’t coming today?”

Rin feels himself freeze up before he turns to see Haru standing across the pool from them. Haru’s eyes narrow and for a moment they are just stood there, staring each other down, before Haru tosses his head defiantly and executes a perfect dive into the pool.

Rin should have known their shit wouldn't get between Haru and water.

He zones out from the conversation, watching Haru swim for a few lengths as he feels that familiar... _thing_ he feels creep up in his chest.

Haru swims in a different way to anyone Rin has met before. He doesn’t seem to strain and suffer for it – at least not in the way that Rin does. He doesn’t pant or swear on the rare occasion that he doesn’t win. He doesn't even ever seem to feel compelled to smile and celebrate the way Rin does whenever he aces a race. He seems in fact hardly to notice the outcome, giving no sign that he was competing at all. Haru swims for himself and himself alone, and Rin envies him that.

He also misses him. And it’s so stupid and lame because they’ve barely been apart and it was Rin’s choice and yet… it hurts that he came here without him.

He considers hanging around for Haru to finish, to see if they can talk, but it feels too strange and obvious to just loiter on the pool deck. He also doesn’t want to intrude on Haru’s time in the water. Lord knows he can get difficult about that, and Rin’s feeling guilty enough as it is. So he slopes off to shower and change, politely declining his friends shouts to join them and hang out.

Instead, he texts Rei to meet up after he’s done with his summer school (because of course Rei can’t possibly just stop studying). Rei is the only person he’s ever really talked about Haru with, even in the vaguest of terms. Sure, Sousuke gives him shit about his little ‘crush’ all the time, but they’ve never discussed it seriously. Rin doesn’t even think his best friend knows how close to home his jokes land. But Rei, Rei somehow seemed to just ‘get it’ right off the bat without prying too much and without making it a big deal. He could do with that right now.

Hindsight being 20/20, he feels awful about how dismissive and rude he’d been about Rei, back when he was worried he was being replaced. At first, teaching him to swim had mostly just been a way to make up for that, but it turns out that Rei is a really good guy. He can see why Nagisa was so insistent on making that connection. Rin appreciates how hard Rei had to work to ‘get’ swimming. That it doesn’t just come naturally to him either, but that the work they did together felt worth it to Rei - meaningful. It had felt good being able to help someone in that way. He likes how clever and analytical Rei is too - that they can talk together about books and school and stuff without making him feel nerdy and weird about it. It’s not that he doesn’t still love swimming more than anything, but it’s nice learning that sometimes he could be more than just ‘the swimmer’.  

 

* * *

 

Rei’s room is, as ever, an ordered chaos of stacks of books on the various topics Rei is given to be researching at any one time. Rin settles himself somewhere between advanced chemistry and the history of Japan’s railways.

They catch up a bit - talking about Rei’s summer school and Rin’s plans for classes in the fall, but from the way Rei is watching him Rin can tell he knows something is up so he doesn’t see the point in putting off the inevitable for too long….

“Hey Rei, I don’t suppose you’ve heard much from Haru the past couple of days?”

Rei looks mildly puzzled at first. “No, the last time I saw him was with you. Are you not staying with him anymore? ...although Nagisa did message me this morning to say he was going out to buy ‘all the melon bread’ because he thought Haruka-senpai needed cheering…oh. Oh I think I understand. Something's happened? You’ve had a fight?”

Rin hunches over and looks off to the side. “There was an…. incident. And we sort of ended up sleeping in the same bed. I think I made it weird. And then we fought.”

Rei’s eyes widen. “An incident? You mean you and Haruka-senpai?”

Rin throws up his hands, burning beetroot. “No, no! Nothing like that! There was a storm and well… sometimes it’s just… when there’s a storm I get...it doesnt happen that much anymore, and it’s..silly, really, i know it is, but i get...scared. I got really scared.” He finishes weakly feeling foolish. It’s not something he’s ever really admitted out loud.

“Rin, it’s not stupid. After what happened with you dad it’s only natur….” --

“Please don’t talk about my dad, Rei.”

Rin interrupts him quietly, he’s barely holding back the urge to run out the door and away from this conversation as it is. He can’t go there.

For a second, Rei looks stricken, but he recovers quickly, adjusting his glasses.

“Of course, Rin. I only mean that a panic attack - if that’s what you’re describing - is nothing to be ashamed of. I find it difficult to imagine Haruka-senpai being angry with you over something like that?”

“Well he wasn’t exactly, you know Haru he just kind of ….stared at me. He seemed mad when I got stressed out and wanted to leave though...like, disappointed in me.”

“...so he didn’t actually say anything to indicate he was angry with you? Until you got angry first? and then you just...left?”

“Well...yeah. Oh. _Shit_.”

“It’s interesting Rin, most people use fight OR flight. It seems you have quite the knack for doing both in quick succession.”

Rin frowns. “Soo…. you’re saying I should have stayed and...fought more?”

Rei laughs and pushes his glasses up. “Nothing of the sort. I’m merely observing it seems like you were letting your stress response take over and maybe misread the situation. Have you thought about trying to speak to Haruka-senpai now that you’ve had some time to calm down?”

“I… we’ve been avoiding each other.”

“Of course you have. What did I expect …look, Haruka-senpai is a thoughtful and understanding individual. I think if you just go to him and explain that your physiological reaction took over he would understand. ”

“My ‘physiological reactions’ are what made it weird in the first place.” Rin mutters, but not loud enough for Rei to hear.

“Your...friendship with Haruka means a lot to you, right? So I think you owe it to both yourself and to him not to give up and to try and talk it out. After all, if you’re so focused on the fear of what you might lose, you’ll never have the courage to win what you really want.”

“Huh, what?” Rin feels himself blushing again. He knows Rei isn't judging him, but there's something about his tone, the way he is looking at Rin, that makes him feel like his friend is implying something more than the words alone suggest. 

Rei grins broadly looking very pleased with himself.  “Sports psychology! I have been reading up in advance of our season next year. I want to be the best co-captain I can be. But it seems fitting here too, for you and Haruka - don’t you think Rin?”

Rin feels like he wants to floor to rise up and swallow him, but he nods stiffly. “Thanks Rei. You’re right…I’m going to try and talk to him.”


	6. The Clear

Rin knocks and holds his breath, shifting nervously on the balls of his feet. He’s been practicing his speech in his head the whole way over but keeps messing up the order of the lines. He can hear movement inside. He wants to run…

Haru’s door opens and Rin braces himself… but it’s Makoto that answers. Rin exhails in a puff.

“Ah, Makoto … I didn’t… I wasn't expecting… Um, Is Haru there?” _Nice one Rin._ He blushes at his own stammering.

Makoto smiles down at him, not looking at all surprised to see him there.

“Rin, hey! No i’m afraid he’s not right now … I think Nagisa dragged him out to get ice creams or something. I was just dropping some food over - my folks are always worried he’s not eating enough. He shouldn’t be too late though - I’m sure you could just wait for him here.”

“Um, thanks but … no, I don’t think Haru would like that very much right now. I’ll er… i’ll come back tomorrow.”

Rin fumbles a little, rubbing the back of his neck and feeling disappointed. He’d worked himself up a lot to come by, and he feels awkward running into Makoto. He’s not sure how much Makoto knows, but he must know something. Maybe everything? He doesn’t really want to go home, but the idea of sitting in an empty house just waiting for Haru to come back… it just makes him queasy.

Makoto cocks his head to the side, regarding Rin.

“Hey, why don’t you come over? You’ve come all this way, stay, I’ll make us tea.”

Rin ducks his head, and follows Makoto preparing for the worst. Haru and Makoto have a bond unlike any Rin has come across before. Even himself and Sousuke - who felt like two sides to the same coin - needed actual words to communicate. He’s nervous for what Makoto will have to say to him.

Once at the Tachibana’s, Makoto hurries him up to his room before Ren and Ran can get wind that there’s a house guest and Rin flops down miserably on the floor, his back against Makoto’s bed, resting his chin on his knees while Makoto serves them fresh green tea and small, sweet biscuits. Rin politely declines the biscuits on reflex, but the heat from the tea is comforting.

Makoto sits across from Rin and watches him quietly. To his credit, it takes him longer than Rin expects to address the elephant in the room.

“So, talk to me Rin. I hope you don’t mind me saying, but you don’t look so great.”

“Haru and I aren’t speaking. We had … kinda a fight.”

Makoto nods kindly. “Yeah, I know.”

“D...did he tell you what it was about?”

“No, he didn’t really tell me anything at all actually other than the fact you left, but it’s obvious something isn’t right with you two. I thought things were going really well with you staying there? Haru seemed so happy.”

“It was...it was going great and then I dunno I just.’ Rin feels his face heat unbearably and he stares at his hands “...things with Haru...I want so badly for it to be ...right...and then...I just keep messing it up, you know?”

Makoto smiles at him fondly. “You wanna know something funny Rin? I used to be really jealous of you.”

“Jealous?” Rin is incredulous - Makoto just isn’t the jealous type, and as for why he would ever have been jealous of Rin, he can’t imagine.

“Sure, I mean I was only a kid, but when you first arrived I was jealous of you.” Makoto says it so simply and directly and without any trace of embarrassment that Rin can’t help but sit up and listen. “I know we were all friends, but, well Haru was my _best_ friend, and I’d never seen him react that way to someone new before … the way you caught his attention, it was … it was really different and I thought that maybe If he had you he wouldn’t need me anymore.”

“But Haru never...I...”

Makoto laughs a little seeing Rin’s confusion.. “Oh Rin, I wish you could see sometime what it’s like when you and Haru get in a room together. It’s as if everyone else just...fades away. And lately its like there doesn’t even need to be a race involved.”

Rin falls into surprised silence. It isn’t that he doesn’t recognise the feeling, it just had never occurred to him that it was so obvious to others...or that maybe it could feel that way for Haru too.  

Makoto pushes on.

“But anyway, I realised something.  After you left and Haru just got so...well, then when you came back and he …” Makoto shakes his head slightly and tries again, choosing his words carefully. “What I mean Rin, is that I think I was never really at risk of losing Haru at all, because what Haru and I have - it’s not really like that between you two is it? …it's always been something else... something different. Am i right?”

Rin blushes furiously.

“I … maybe...I don’t know… but… I’m not sure it matters now anyway - I really messed up again Makoto. I got...scared. And then I got angry and then Haru … well you how things go with us.”

Makoto just smiles again and reaches out to give Rin’s shoulder a squeeze. “Rin, I’m not pretending I know exactly what it is between you and Haru - it’s not my business - but I am fairly certain whatever it is couldn't be ruined in one fight. You’ve been through a lot together. And maybe…. maybe just try and cut him a little slack. He’s been having a bit of a hard time with his parents. He’s been kind of nonverbal about it if you know what I mean but I know he’s finding it tougher this time.”

“I...didn’t know that.” Rin’s face crumples miserably.  

“Rin its ok. You don’t look like you’ve been having the best time yourself. Just promise you’ll go back and try to talk to him? I think he needs you Rin. So it will all work out, I am sure of it.”

“I don’t get how you’re not mad at me Makoto. Haru’s your friend and I hurt him.” Rin mumbles into his arm. Makoto just smiles back at him broadly.

“Maybe I would be, if I thought that you did it on purpose. But you’re my friend too Rin, and you may be a hot head sometimes but you have a good heart. I know you don’t actually want to hurt him. Besides, most of the time you make him happy, really happy. Anyone can see that. If you weren’t both so stubborn I think you’d see it too.”

Rin marvels at how it has come to be that he has a friend like Makoto, and then feels a bite of shame.

“I was jealous of you too Makoto… for a long time. I always thought how lucky you were to have Haru but… well he’s really lucky to have you too, you know.”

Makoto chuckles. “Oh I know. Now look, wanna stay for dinner? You look like you could do with a good home cooked meal. I promise, no mackerel!”

For the first time in days, Rin smiles and it feels genuine.

“I’d like that, thanks Makoto”.

 

* * *

 

Dinner with Makoto’s family is surprisingly effective at taking Rin’s mind off his problems with Haru. It’s impossible to act too seriously with Ran and Ren running around, and he can’t help but show off a little for them, telling them outrageous stories about all the strange creatures in Australia. But too soon the evening is over and he says his thanks and leaves.

Needing a moment to gather his courage again before facing Haru, Rin finds himself wandering down to the beach, sitting in the sand and listening to the waves. He thinks about all the many times he sat like this in Australia, staring across the water and picturing Haru on this exact beach. He feels the familiar conflict rise inside him. Tell Haru everything and risk losing him, or try and carry on as he had been, telling himself that just being in each others lives is enough.

 _Because that’s been working so well lately._ He thinks grimly.

He thinks about Makoto’s words. _It's always been something else...something different_. If Makoto could see that, did that mean that maybe Haru could too? That maybe, somehow, Haru might not turn away from him? Absentmindedly he plays the sand through his hands. Its rougher, coarser than in Sydney. It doesn't feel real that this beach and that could be so far away when in his mind the link between the two is so indelible.

Too soon, in just a few short weeks all the miles between those two beaches will separate him and Haru once again. The thought lands with the impact of a punch, and Rin suddenly finds he can’t bear the thought of all that distance and time between them without Haru understanding just how important he is to Rin…to know how he feels even if the end result isn’t the one Rin wants.

_I have to try._

Rin gets up and paces to the waters edge, bending to trail his fingers in the surf. He still doesn’t feel ready - he’ll never be ready to lose Haru. But finally he feels sure. He knows what he needs to do.

 

* * *

 

Rin slips quietly through Haru’s front door, then, realising he is creeping about like a thief, drops his bag by the entryway and straightens up. The house is dark and still. He wonders if maybe Haru is still out as he moves room to room, a deep tug pulling at the space just under his heart as he looks among the familiar things - their things.

Making his way upstairs, he first checks the bath (no sign its been used recently, he can't work out if this is good or bad) before cautiously sliding open the door to Haru’s room.

It takes a moment for his eyes to adjust to the gloom but once they do Rin freezes, feeling like something has just slammed into him square in the chest.

Haru is in bed, but not any bed, not his own bed. He is curled up on the floor on Rin’s futon, his hair mussed against Rin’s pillow, one of Rin’s sweatshirts rumpled against the sheets, Haru’s hands clutching at the familiar fabric.

Something in Rin’s chest cracks at the sight. Its as if all the indecision and torment of the past few days, all the years of pretending he doesnt want Haru, falls way. Rin feels a calm and a resolve wash over him.

_I can’t fight against this any more._

Slowly and quietly he makes his way over to Haru’s sleeping form and gently lies down on top of the duvet facing Haru.

Rin has always found Haru impossibly beautiful, but looking at him now, bathed in moonlight, a small frown playing on his face as he sleeps, Rin is overwhelmed by him.

As if sensing he is being watched, Haru stirs slightly, his eyelashes fluttering.

“Rin, you came back.”

Haru breathes the words out, his voice thick with sleep and there is such a vulnerability in it that Rin feels his chest squeeze.

“Of course I did dummy.” Rin tries to make his tone light, but clearly fails miserably as his voice cracks and Haru starts to stir properly.

“Rin, what is it? What’s wrong?”

Rin swallows thickly and finds he can’t look Haru in the eye, so fixes his gaze instead on the delicate jut of his collarbone.

“Haru, I need to talk to you about something... something I’ve not been very honest with you about.”

Haru shifts a little, alarmed, but keeps quiet and Rin forces himself to carry on.

“In Australia, when I told you that I have always admired you, it wasn’t really what I wanted to say… I mean I do, I admire you. But it’s more than that Haru. And I got scared and you were already dealing with so much that I didn’t want to freak you out...but the truth is...the thing I really wanted to say is, I think I’m in love with you Haru. I think maybe I’ve been in love with you for a really long time.”

The last part comes out so small and hoarse that for a moment Rin is terrified that Haru might not have heard him. He steels himself to look up and meets Haru’s impossibly blue eyes, wide with shock, his mouth slightly parted.

For a dreadful moment, nothing happens and Rin wants to sink into the floor, but then slowly, Haru raises his hand to Rin’s cheek, and with infinite tenderness brushes away the few strands of hair that have fallen there, his fingers trembling slightly.

“Say that again Rin.” he breathes softly, eyes shining.

Rin’s eyes widen in response and he feels strangely like his spirit is leaving his body. “W...what?”

“Tell me again Rin, please.” Haru repeats, his fingers tracing light patterns on Rin’s skin.

And so Rin does, and this time he doesn’t couch it in terms of thoughts or maybe’s. He looks back at Haru and states the truth he has run from for so long.

“I’m in love with you Haru.”

 _“Rin!”_ Haru exhales and moves his hand round to the back of Rin’s head, pressing his forehead against Rin’s own so that their noses brush together and their lips are almost touching. Rin can barely breath, barely dares allow himself to hope, and so instead finds himself mumbling, tears starting to spill in his desperation to make Haru understand.

“I’m so sorry Haru. I don’t want to ruin everything between us. I tried for so long not to but I keep getting it wrong and I can’t stop. If you can’t accept my feelings I’ll understand but...but I needed you to kn---”

Haru stops Rin’s mouth with his own. The softest press of lips. There and then gone.

It’s Rin’s turn to be open mouthed with shock.

Haru’s cheeks flush pink as he brushes the tears from Rin’s cheeks and then presses his lips against the skin where they trailed, his fingers winding in the strands of Rin’s hair, “Shhh Rin. please don’t cry.”

Rin’s chest is so tight he feels like he might burst. _This is impossible_.

“I love you too Rin. I’m _in love_ with you too.”

Rin is speechless, staring back at the figure before him in wonder. He chokes back a half formed sob and presses the tips of his fingers to his lips in surprise. The ghost of Haru’s touch still lingering there.

Haru nuzzles against him gently and runs his thumbs over the bruised purple skin under Rin’s eyes.

“You haven’t been sleeping Rin.”

“I… I thought I had ruined everything...that morning...and I got so scared Haru”. With his confession, the icy fear that had been clutching at Rin for days slowly starts to ease away, replaced by the impossible glow of what is passing between them.

“Rin, I wanted you then...I thought you knew and that was why you got mad and left”

They smile shyly at each other.

“We’re idiots.” Rin actually laughs a little and leans into Haru’s touch before a frown blurs the warmth in his face.

“But what do we do now Haru? I’m leaving and ...what if this changes everything? What if we break it?”

Haru shakes his head softly and pulls Rin against him, wrapping his arms arounds him and rearranging the covers until their bodies are flush and comfortably tangled together.

“Now we should sleep Rin. You look terrible - you need to rest. We don’t have to decide anything tonight.” Haru pauses thoughtfully, “but I’m really happy you told me Rin. And I wanted you to know too.”

And for now, for Rin, its enough. It's so much more than he ever dared hope. So he lets himself be lulled by the warmth of Haru’s body, by his familiar scent, and by the silence broken only by their breathing. For the first time in a long time, Rin sleeps well.

 

* * *

 

Haru wakes to the feel of Rin’s fingers sliding through his hair. A gentle, rhythmic touch that nearly lulls him back into sleeping until he becomes aware of the great bubble of happiness that’s expanding in his chest. _Rin told me he was in love with me._

He raises his head from where its resting on Rin’s chest and the look they share steals his breath. Rin still looks tired, his face a little more pale and drawn than normal, but the tension from around his eyes seems to have lifted. He’s gazing down at him shyly, his hair mussed and a light dusting of pink colouring his cheeks. His expression is unguarded, and the mix of nerves and hope and happiness...and love (can it really be love?) that Haru can read in it makes his heart flutter. He wants to touch him so badly. And maybe it’s allowed now? Maybe Rin wants him to as well.

Tentatively, Haru trails his hand up Rin’s chest to slip his fingers under the neck of his T-shirt, lightly tracing his collarbone. Rin sucks in an unsteady breath, but doesn’t move away, his eyes widening but still steady on Haru. Encouraged by this, Haru moves his fingers along the curve of Rin’s neck, slipping his hand around and feeling the notches at the top of Rin’s spine, enjoying the feathery softness of the tendrils of Rin’s hair. Rin leans back a little into the touch, his eyes falling closed.

 _“Haru.”_ he breathes.

And Haru isn’t entirely sure if its a welcome or a warning, but he decides to take the chance, finding it easier somehow without Rin looking directly at him to close the gap between them.

Pressing his lips gently against Rin’s, Haru stills, and for a breath it’s as if the whole world stills with him. As if even his own heart has stopped beating. But then finally, impossibly, he feels Rin kiss him back. A tentative return of pressure that is so quiet, and careful, and so un-Rin like that Haru is instantly delighted. _So this is what kissing Rin feels like._

He wonders absently why there isn’t a specific word for the fireworks that go off in your brain when you finally kiss someone you've wanted for years.

His heartbeat kicks back in with a vengeance, hammering away in his chest. He lets out a small sigh against Rin’s lips. And after so much time, so much longing, Haru is surprised by how fast things can move, by how readily Rin’s lips brush against his own, and how easily the silence is broken by their quickening breaths and the movement of their mouths.

But maybe it’s too fast, because Rin is clutching at his shirt, his fingers clenching against him and Haru has the strangest impression of being pulled closer and kept at a distance at the same time. He reluctantly forces himself to pull back.

Rin is flushed, his pupils wide with desire, but there’s also a flash of some other urgent emotion that could be fear.

“Rin, what is it? Did….did I do something wrong?” Haru suddenly feels terribly afraid he’s misunderstood.

But Rin’s grip on him tightens, rolling them to the side so they are lying face to face, legs tangled at the knee, his hand cupped against Haru’s cheek.

“No, Haru...of course not. It isn’t that it’s just...are you sure? It’s not just because of what I said? I mean….if we do this, it changes everything, right?”

Haru releases a breath he didn’t realise he’d been holding. “Rin, _of course_ I’m sure...I love you….and, well, we’re already kind of doing this. If you hadn’t noticed...”

Rin prods Haru in mock annoyance. “Tch, I know that, I just...shouldn’t we, I dunno talk about this? I know I’ve pushed you before - with relays, with swimming, with Australia and I just...I don’t want this to be like that. I don’t think I could bear it if you felt like this was a mistake ...” Rin’s voice becomes strained and his eyes water dangerously.

“Hmmm.” Haru pauses to consider this for a moment, studying Rin’s face, gently brushing a few strands of hair from his eyes before his gaze falls to Rin’s lips. Rin’s cheeks dust pink again under Haru’s attention and Haru feels the warmth in the pit of his stomach grow.

“Rin, can I kiss you again?”

The blush spreads rapidly from Rin’s cheekbones right to the tips of his ears.

“Haru are you listening to me? Shouldn’t we talk?”

Haru just inches closer.

“I am...I just...You said it yourself Rin I’m not great at talking. And I don’t know how to talk about _this_ so...I just wanna try something.”

Rin’s eyes flick from Haru’s lips to his eyes and back, swallowing heavily.

“Ok Haru...kiss me”

A small sigh escapes somewhere from deep in Haru’s throat as he re-captures Rin’s lips with his own. As the heat from their mouths mingles, Haru shifts, angling his body so he is pressed flush against Rin. Rin moans quietly against Haru’s mouth, and Haru takes the opportunity to tentatively sweep his tongue over Rin’s bottom lip. Rin freezes for a moment, Haru can feel his muscles tense, before he gives another audible sigh, his mouth opening up under Haru’s.

The kiss catches fire. Their tongues sliding hungrily together, Rin winding his arms around Haru, pressing him closer, caressing his shoulders, the muscles of his back, burying his hands in Haru’s hair. Rin’s body is so warm under Haru, combined with the deepening pressure of his lips and tongue, that Haru quickly feels himself being overwhelmed by the sensation.

And so he pulls away, sudden and sharp, so that Rin gives a short gasp of protest as Haru flops on his back, panting, at Rin’s side.

“Ha...Haru..why’d you stop?” Rin’s voice is strangled and breathless.

Haru stays panting for a long moment before turning his head to meet Rin’s gaze.  

“That didn’t feel like a mistake to me, Rin.” Haru’s voice is equally strained, but there’s no mistaking the sly hint of triumph.

"HARU!”

Rin burns red, trying to look outraged but unable to hide a pleased smile.

“So, do you still want to talk about it Rin?” Haru’s eyes are glittering, a shy smile in return playing on his lips.

Rin snorts softly and tackles Haru across the futon, trapping him in his arms and pressing their foreheads together.

“Tsk, No Haru I don’t want to _talk.”_ and though he hates being bested, Rin realises he truly doesn’t. He’s tired of questioning this, of fighting against what he feels. What he wants is Haru. His lips, his mouth, his skin…

Haru’s eyes are soft and shining and happy as he looks up at Rin, whose gaze is more unguarded than he’s ever seen, and so full of affection.

But then Rin’s eyes cloud slightly and he presses his face against the crook of Haru’s neck, mumbling against his skin.

“Just...don’t let me mess this up, Ok Haru? I really do love you”.

Haru feels his desire tempered then with an overwhelming swell of affection. He wraps his arms tightly around Rin, holding him as close to him as he can.

“Rin, we won’t, I promise. I really love you too, Ok?”


	7. Glowing

Over the next days there is barely any time at all that they are not touching in some way. From gentle brushes of fingertips, arms draped around shoulders or hands lacing together, to clutching full-body embraces that leave them both dizzy.

Their first kisses may have been more emotion that art, but they are quick studies. Together they soon learn just how well their particular angles and edges fit; just how in tune their bodies can be. They are careful of course, not to move too fast, to take things too far, but after so many years of denial every touch, every brush of lips is enough to leave them breathless and giddy with desire.

Rin can’t get over the fact that he can touch Haru whenever he wants. That Haru wants him to, and wants to touch him in return. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get sick of it, the fact that they can be doing something completely normal one moment - cooking, watching tv or stretching after a run - and the next they are tangled together, pressing into the sofa, up on the countertops, against the walls…

They try to keep it together whenever they go out in public, but all it takes is a shared look for Rin’s blood to run hot and for his face to heat. Haru seems well aware of this fact and, blue eyes sparkling dangerously, takes every opportunity to make Rin blush. The first time they swim together in this new ‘togetherness’, Rin gets so flustered at seeing Haru in his jammers and actually being allowed to look at him _that way_ that he messes up all his drills and insists they shower and change in shifts.

One night, they go for dinner at Rin’s house with his mom and Gou but can barely make it through the meal before Rin excuses them for a walk so that he can lead Haru to the park and kiss him, pressing together under the cover of the trees.

(He had thought they had been subtle enough about it, but the squeeze on the arm Gou gives him when they go to leave as she plucks a twig from his hair lets him know otherwise).

Rin loves learning about this different side to Haru. Rin - like all Matsuoka’s - has always been a physically expressive person, but he quickly learns that Haru is equally, if not more, tactile in his own quiet ways. Like the times that they are fully absorbed in something (or so Rin thinks), like reading together, and he’ll suddenly feel Haru gently running his fingernails over his abs, quietly demanding attention through gentle scratches. Or, how sometimes mid conversation, Haru will fall quiet and reach over to trail his fingers through Rin’s hair, his eyes going glassy as if he’s just spotted a body of water. He loves how often its Haru that kisses him first.

He also likes studying the different soft sounds that Haru makes when they are kissing, learning which parts of his skin will cause him to shudder and grip onto Rin tightly when kissed just so. He likes seeing Haru’s calm exterior slip - being the one that causes his cheeks to heat, his breath to quicken and his eyelashes to flutter.

He feels like he is constantly on the verge of exploding with the joy of it, knows that he is probably walking around with a big silly grin on his face. Rin is sure the whole world can tell, that’s it’s written on his skin, just how happy and in love he is, but he can’t find it within himself to care.

 

* * *

 

The more specific question of if, and when, to make the new status of their relationship known to their friends is resolved rather quicker than Rin expects the first time that Nagisa, Makoto and Rei come over for their regular ‘movie and games’ night. Rin’s heroic efforts to act normally and not just sit making moon eyes at Haru all evening are rapidly rendered pointless when Rin spills his tea. Haru bats away his flustering apologies before pressing a quick kiss to Rin’s lips on his way into the kitchen for towels, as if it's the most natural thing in the world.

Rin meanwhile is left red faced and spluttering, staring at his friends. The three stare back at him with open mouthed shock, before slowly the shock bleeds into something else - Makoto is blushing and holding back laughter, Rei is wearing that look of his when he’s been proven especially clever and Nagisa seems like he is trying not to combust.

“Haru, get your ass back in here right now.” Rin chokes out through gritted teeth, fully aware that his face currently matches the colour of his hair. No way was he facing this alone.

“What?” Haru re-enters the room completely none-the wiser and slowly surveys the scene before him.

“Haru-chan...just kissed...Rin-chan.” Nagisa squeaks out, eyes gleeful and wide as saucers, looking dangerously like he’s about to start bouncing off the walls.  

“Oh, that.” Haru cocks his head to the side, realisation finally dawning but completely unfazed. “It turns out Rin’s in love with me.” he finishes simply.

“Haru, what the hell!”

Rin collapses forward to bang his head against the table in embarrassed frustration.

Haru ruffles a hand through Rin’s hair affectionately before settling back down beside him. “And I’m in love with Rin too.” He concedes.  

Everyone starts speaking at once, although it takes some time to get anything intelligible out because Nagisa has descended into high pitched squeaking.

“Is Rin your _boyfriend_ now?” Nagisa finally manages to shout out over the din at Haru gleefully.

Rin starts at the question feeling himself go even redder. As silly as it seems now he thinks about it, they’ve yet to actually give a name to what they are… he knows Haru has told him he loves him more than once, but Rin hasn’t been sure how comfortable he would be with making it official in that way.

Haru looks at Rin and must be able to see he is starting to overthink things because he gives him a playful nudge with his elbow before answering resolutely. “Yes. Rin is my boyfriend.”

And there’s something about the way Haru looks when he says it, like he’s not just happy, but proud, proud to be with Rin, that sets Rin off.

“Awww Haru-chan you made Rin-chan cry!” Nagisa says happily.

“m’not crying!” Rin protests, but Haru reaches over to wipe a tear from his cheek just to prove the point.

 

* * *

 

They try and get games night back on track, but they can’t help that everyone keeps staring at them and thinking of new questions to ask. Like how long they’d known, what they like best about each other, who admitted to who first. Nagisa decides he wants to throw them a ‘love party’ and keeps coming up with wilder and wilder suggestions while Rei tries in vain to temper his enthusiasm and explain that people could misconstrue the theme...

As the night winds down, Rin heads into the kitchen but pauses when he sees Makoto and Haru already in there. Their heads are bowed close together and Makoto is squeezing Haru’s shoulder, looking at him with a sort of...soft mix of affection and happiness and pride. Rin must be getting better at reading Haru, because in return he can see that Haru is grateful, really grateful, for whatever it is that has passed between them. Rin decides to back away, feeling like he is encroaching, like this is a private moment between two friends that he shouldn’t be witnessing.

But then Haru spots him, and the way his eyes light up just that little bit more causes Rin’s chest to swell and despite himself he feels pulled in to join them, his arm reaching out to hook Haru’s almost of its own accord.  

Makoto doesn’t seem to mind at all, widening his arms to create a circle with Haru and Rin.“Rin! I was just telling Haru, I’m so pleased for you both. I know you’ll make each other really happy...and well, that makes me really happy too.”

Rin can’t help himself, he tackles Makoto into a hug, dragging Haru along with him so that the three of them topple unsteadily round the kitchen.

“Thank you Makoto! Thank you, thank you!”

Rin wonders if it’s possible to die from being too happy.

 

* * *

 

Later, once everyone has left, Rin tries to help Haru clean up, but keeps getting distracted just watching him… his _boyfriend._

“Rin you’re being weird”

“What, no I’m not?”

“Yeah you are, you’re just standing there looking all …. glowy”

Rin tackles Haru in a hug.

“I’m just happy you dummy. Haru … I’m really really happy”

Haru’s eyes soften and his face warms at that. He presses a kiss to Rin’s cheek. “I’m really happy too, Rin”.

They carry on tidying up but Rin feels the unspoken question bubbling up inside him. He doesn't know why he’s so nervous but …

“Hey...Haru. Now that people know and it’s official and everything. Will you go on a date with me?”

Haru frowns slightly, looking puzzled.

“A date Rin? Why do we need to do that? You already live here with me and we’ve said we love each other so…”

“Tsk Haru its supposed to be romantic!” Rin interrupts

“Romantic?”

“Yeah, something special that just the two of us do together and …. look I know it’s silly but I just… I always wanted to with you and …”

Haru cuts him off by winding his arms around Rin’s neck and kissing him, hard.

“Ok Rin. Let’s have a date.”

Rin really can feel himself glowing now.

“You mean it?”

“Yeah, really. I want to.”

Rin can’t hide how pleased he is and immediately sets off chattering happily about how he’s going to plan the best date ever. Haru is content to just watch and listen. He feels like he’s glowing too.

 

* * *

 

Deciding exactly how he is going to pull off the ‘best date ever’ proves harder than Rin originally thought it would. It’s not that he’s short on ideas - there are all manner of romantic and exciting things he’d like to do with Haru - it’s just he’s a little short on actual funds to make it happen.

Not for the first time, he feels the frustration of having grown up adjacent to money, but never having actually had any. He wants to be able to give Haru everything - has heard about some of the fancy dates his old Samezuka friends would take their partners on - but _everything_ costs money that he doesn’t really have. He also wants to make sure that Haru will feel comfortable - he knows he won’t like anything that's too loud or noisy or full of too many people.

He wonders if perhaps he should just try and reserve the Samezuka pool for a day, but dismisses the idea quickly. He wants to do something that will show Haru just how much he cares about him, all the parts of him, and that that while swimming will always be a huge part of their lives, what brought them together, there is so much more to their relationship than that.

Normally he’d ask Sousuke for advice on things like this, but the thought gives him pause. Sousuke has been away spending a few days in Tokyo looking into shoulder specialists and arranging his new living arrangements and Rin had been waiting to see him in person to tell him about his new relationship with Haru. The fact that things went so well with Makoto, Nagisa and Rei gives him some confidence, but as much as he hates to admit it he’s nervous to tell his best friend. Things between Haru and Sousuke have always been frosty at the best of times, and he knows Sousuke will worry that he’s letting himself get distracted and that Haru is pulling focus from Rin’s dream. Rin chuckles grimly to himself thinking how strange it is to be worrying less that his friend will judge him for dating a guy than for who the particular guy is...

So he decides he is just going to have to crack this one himself. He leaves Haru soaking in a bath while he wanders the quiet house, the home they have been making together, racking his brain for ideas of what to do. He finds a strange calm sinks over him as he looks about the small domestic details of their now shared lives: their laundry hanging together, several pairs of trainers stacked by the door, training programmes pinned side by side on the fridge. He hadn’t realised it was possible to feel this way - so settled and safe and secure. It’s as if he’s spent years and years running and finally he’s found a place he can rest.

His eyes land on the book he’s been reading, wedged open with Haru’s magazine folded inside to hold his place. His eyes light at the magazine, a idea sparking.

 _“Best. date. Ever.”_ He mutters to himself determinedly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up its back to Haru's pov for their first date. Fair warning... it all gets a bit fluffy


	8. Wonderstruck

On the morning of their agreed date, Rin gets up extra early and leaves Haru still curled in the warmth of their bed with the promise to pick him up later. Haru passes the morning happily enough at Makoto's house, but he keeps getting distracted by the pleasant fizzing feeling in his stomach. He’s curious to see what Rin has planned. He’d prefer if it was nothing with too many people, too much of a crowd, but the idea of going anywhere and doing anything with Rin makes him really happy.

It occurs to Haru that he feels really happy all the time at the moment. In fact, it’s only now he’s freed from the burden of keeping it a secret that he realises how tiring it had been constantly having to police his words and movements so that they wouldn’t give away the magnitude of his feelings for Rin. To have been waging a constant war against his own heart. Life with his parents had cautioned him against wanting - taught him that that was the route to disappointment - and so it’s been a revelation to finally be able to wear his wants out in the open. To be able to act on them. To be able to lean against Rin when they watch TV, to be allowed to brush his fingers through Rin’s hair and to trace the firm lines of his abs. To be able to kiss him. To kiss _Rin,_ and have Rin kiss him back with everything he has. Haru feels a freedom in it that he didn’t think was possible.

And so he hopes that, whatever it is, their first official date lives up to Rin’s expectations; that it’s everything he wants it to be. He can tell its been on Rin’s mind a lot since the games night, and he knows how much of a romantic Rin can be. He hopes he doesn’t do anything to let him down.

And then there’s the other matter. The fact that things have been... _escalating_ between them physically. They haven’t exactly talked about it, but it’s steadily been becoming more and more difficult to pull back, to know where to draw the line when they are alone together. He wants to be with Rin in any and every way possible. He wonders if that’s something Rin wants too…

...Ren and Ran do a good job of bringing him back down to earth any time his mind wanders too far though.

He makes sure he’s back home in plenty of time, and at the agreed three o’clock precisely there is a knock and Haru opens the door to find Rin stood on his porch beaming at him.

“Rin, why are you knocking? You live here...”

“Tsk, because I’m picking you up for our date! You know it doesn’t work if I just walk in...”

Haru snorts and Rin leans over to give him a chaste peck on the cheek. Haru catches a hint of cologne on Rin’s skin. He smells good - of soap and spice and the faintest undercurrent of chlorine that neither of them can ever seem to fully wash off.

He looks good too, actually. Particularly good. He’s wearing a dark shirt that Haru hasn’t seen before, cut close and neat to his body, and his dark wash jeans are crisp and slim fitting, both showing off his athletic form. His shoes look new as well and if Haru’s not mistaken he’s had his hair trimmed, wearing it carefully slicked away from his face.

Haru’s heart does a little flip, but he chews his lip slightly thinking about the expense Rin must have gone to.

“Rin, you didn’t need to buy new clothes.”

Rin waves Haru off smiling. “I know that, I just… I wanted to look good for our first date.”

Haru glances down at himself, suddenly feeling shamefaced about his own casual attire. He hadn’t realised they were supposed to get dressed up.

Rin looks mortified.

“Haru! No! I didn’t mean that at all - you look great! You always look great!”

But thinking quickly, Haru lands a glancing kiss on Rin’s nose before dashing back inside and upturning his closet trying to find a particular light blue shirt his parents had bought him for college interviews. He tugs it on and swaps his jeans for a slightly newer pair. As an afterthought, he rushes to the mirror and runs a comb roughly through his hair. He’s not sure why he suddenly feels so nervous, but he hopes Rin will like that the blue of his shirt brings out the colour of his eyes.

When he gets back outside, Rin is still stood looking worried.

“Haru, I really didn’t…”

But Haru cuts him off with a kiss. “You look great Rin, really great.”

Rin blushes, pleased.

He leads them to the station and onto a train, but smilingly refuses to tell Haru where they are heading. Haru still isn’t sure how they are supposed to behave in public, so in lieu of holding hands subtly trails his fingers over the back of Rin’s hand. He can tell this makes Rin happy from the way he shifts slightly so that their sides are touching just that little bit more.

* * *

When Rin announces that they’ve arrived. Haru looks up blinking. He’d been so lost in the feeling of walking side by side with Rin from the station, in watching the way the breeze tugs on Rin’s hair, that he hadn’t been paying attention to where they were headed. He quickly scans the signs in front of him: _Aquatic gardens._

Rin’s watching his expression carefully. Haru turns to him quizzically. “Rin...what are we doing here?”

“It’s a water garden Haru! I know you like plants and nature and all that stuff so it’s like that just...more water. They’ve got tons of fountains and special waterfalls and koi and things….I hoped you might like to see it?”

Haru forgets about being in public and takes Rin’s hand squeezing it excitedly. “Can we?”

Rin chuckles and leads them in. Haru’s pleased to see it doesn’t cost much - just a small donation to the upkeep of the gardens which Rin insists on providing for both of them. Haru snatches his copy of the admission ticket though, and tucks it carefully into the zip pocket of his wallet while Rin chatters happily to him about the history of the gardens and points out the areas where they can see the best water.

Haru’s finding it hard to stay focused on what he’s saying though, half lost to an overwhelming surge of affection. He knows Rin’s not really interested in this stuff - has teased Haru plenty about his collection of books and magazines on famous waterfalls and national parks - and so the fact that he has clearly put so much thought into what Haru might like, into making sure its not loud, or crowded or chaotic… Haru didn’t think it was possible to love Rin more, but he does.

Together they wander the gardens. It’s mostly filled with older folk and families, so Haru imagines they must stand out, but he doesn’t care in the least. Its beautiful. Calm and quiet and Rin lets him look at each of the water features for as long as he wants, even sneaking off to buy him a couple of postcards of the ones he notices that Haru likes best. Everything is going so well Haru wonders why it hadn’t occurred to him to ask Rin out on a date before. It fills him with such warmth to see Rin looking so happy, his frame relaxed, smile wide. Admittedly, Rin spends more time looking at Haru than at anything in the garden, but Haru can tell he thinks things are going well too. And sure, there are a couple of times Rin has to grab on to him to stop him getting too close to the water, but Haru doesn't mind giving Rin an excuse to touch him.

They do have one slight hiccup when it turns out one of the areas Rin was most excited for Haru to see is closed for repairs. Haru doesn't much care, but Rin gets disproportionately disappointed by it. Haru can’t help but smile a little as he pulls Rin away to look at something else, distracting him with a stolen peck on the cheek. It’s just so like Rin to insist that things be perfect, and while Haru would be lying if he said he always found it his most endearing trait, he can’t help but find it incredibly cute in the moment.  

It’s a warm afternoon, so before they leave Rin buys them both bottles of cool iced green tea and they sit nestled together on a bench in the shade of some trees. Its secluded enough that Haru lets himself slip his arm around Rin who predictably blushes a little at the public contact. _I wish we could stay like this forever_ , Haru thinks, the late summer afternoon sun pleasant against his skin, the sounds of the water, the warmth of Rin’s body next to his.

He’s strangely sad when it's time to leave, hadn’t expected to feel quite so affected by spending the afternoon with Rin in this way. The train back is busy with office workers and so they stand close together, letting the crush of bodies and slow rock of the carriage be an excuse to sway against one another.

When they pull into Iwatobi station, Haru expects for them to head home, but Rin gently tugs on his arm. “There’s another place for us to go Haru.” He says grinning.

Haru lets himself be led down to the beach, and Rin picks a path across the rocks to a small sandy cove that as kids functioned as all manner of hideouts and castles for their games. Haru half wonders if he’s about to be challenged to a swim and starts cursing the fact he opted to wear regular boxers for once, but Rin’s doesn’t seem to be heading to the water.

Looking far too pleased with himself, Rin instead moves away a tarp weighed down with rocks to reveal a blanket and a cooler packed with ice. Haru blinks in surprise.

“You made a picnic Rin?”

“Yeah. I want to be able to take you someplace fancy one day. When we’re both world famous swimmers. But for now, this is the best I could do. I hope it’s ok?”

Haru finds he can’t speak properly, so simply wraps his arms around Rin and presses his face into Rin’s hair.

The true extent of Rin’s labour is revealed when he unpacks dish after disk of carefully prepared and beautifully presented food. There’s so many different types of mackerel that even Haru thinks he might struggle to eat it all. He surveys the spread wide-eyed as Rin watches him anxiously.

“You did all this?”

Rin rubs the back of his neck smiling. “Well, my mom and Gou helped me a little bit.”

“What would you have done if someone had gotten here first and stolen it?” Haru asks, still blinking and overwhelmed by the display of effort and care in front of him.

“I might have bribed Makoto into helping me out on that front.” Rin admits.

“Rin you didn’t need to… this is all…” Haru tries but fails to get the words out, but Rin seems to understand, getting a little misty eyed before he scrubs his face and insists they get eating.

The food is all delicious, but Haru finds his appetite is less than normal, his stomach far too full of butterflies at being alone with Rin under a burning pink and orange sky, the sounds of the sea in his ears.

* * *

After eating they lie back together to watch the sun dip under the horizon, Rin breathing happy sighing sounds into Haru’s hair. As the light fades, he pulls out a mis-matched selection of candles which he digs into the sand and lights carefully, so they are surrounded by small flickering flames.

Haru is about to settle himself back into Rin’s arms when Rin shoots up suddenly.

“Wait, Haru! I almost forgot!”

Rin dives back into his bags and reveals one perfectly preserved slice of very pink cake, which Rin unboxes with great care and places between them.

Haru raises his brows, knowing for a fact that Rin doesn’t eat sweet things.

“What’s that?”

“Dessert!”

“Why only one? Are you just gonna watch me eat it?”

Rin fidgets slightly. “No...I thought we would share. You know, like couples do in coffee shops and stuff…”

Haru pokes it experimentally. “Does it have to be so….pink?”

“sposedtoberomanticsakuracake.” Rin mumbles looking away.

“Rin, what?”

“It’s a sakura cake. It was supposed to be romantic. ” Rin repeats grudgingly.

Haru laughs then, at his big hearted, soppy, romantic, thinks-of-everything Rin and, knocking the cake aside he pushes Rin down onto the blanket and kisses him hard. He can feel Rin’s smile against his lips.

“So it’s been an OK date then Haru?”

“Yeah Rin,” he whispers “It’s been perfect.”

They linger like that for a long while, tangling together on the blanket, until their touches become that bit more needy, more desperate. With wordless agreement they pull apart and hastily pack up, racing each other back to Haru’s place, laughing and jostling together on the way.


	9. Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter follows on directly from/is a continuation of their first date

They tumble through the door, breathless and fumbling, dropping the bags and just managing to reach Haru’s sofa before they lose themselves again in kissing.

Rin’s hands are everywhere: in Haru’s hair, under his shirt, gripping his thighs. Rin’s mouth is on his neck and Haru feels dizzy with it. He slides his hands under Rin’s shirt, digging his fingertips into the muscle of his back, down to his hips.

Chest to chest, and pressed so close, Haru can feel each ragged breath Rin takes shudder through him. He’s struggling to breathe. Can’t get enough oxygen. Can’t get enough Rin.

On instinct, driven by pure need, he tilts his hips to rock against Rin’s. When Rin responds in kind the sensation is overwhelming, a sound escaping Haru's throat that sounds foreign and desperate. Rin’s moan reverberates against his skin making him tremble.

As they move together, there’s no hiding how he’s feeling, and the fact that it’s evident that Rin is equally _worked up_ just makes everything so much more intense. He’s sure Rin must be able to tell, must be able to feel how hard his heart is hammering in his chest as he gathers his courage and slides his hand down Rin’s body, over his chest, tracing his abs and then moving lower…

Rin _groans_ , arching into the touch. But then he pulls away sharply, settling back on his heels straddling Haru’s thighs. Haru can’t help but follow his retreat, sitting up surprised.  

Rin’s shirt is almost entirely unbuttoned and twisted off one shoulder. His hair mussed and sticking up at odd angles and his lips slightly red and swollen with kissing. Seeing Rin this way Haru is shot through with desire, but while he can read the same on Rin’s face, Rin also looks conflicted - that causes Haru to still.

“Rin?”

Rin crumples forward to rest his head against Haru’s shoulder, gathering his breath back. “Haru, I’m sorry.. I just… if we don’t stop now I don’t know that I can… you know what I mean?”

Rin pulls back to look at him then, his eyes searching Haru’s face. He looks nervous, guilty almost. Haru feels his heart squeeze and the heat in his belly redouble. He cups Rin’s face lightly in his palms and presses their foreheads together.

“Don’t stop Rin. I don’t want you to. I want this.”

Rin’s breath comes out in a puff. “Haru, what are...are you..?”

“I want you Rin. I want everything with you.” Haru whispers forcefully before brushing his lips lightly against Rin’s.

Rin swallows thickly. “Haru...I’ve never…”

Haru never would have asked, long decided it wouldn’t have mattered, but he feels a swell of happiness at the idea that they will discover this together.

“Me neither Rin, but I want to. With you. If that’s what you want too.”

“God I want to, of course I want to.” Rin’s voice is strained, but he still looks a little unsure. “Just… won’t it make things more difficult? When I leave?”

Haru pulls away slightly then to look at Rin properly. “Nothing about being away from you will be easy,” he says slowly, “but we’re together now. And I love you Rin.”

Rin sighs heavily. “I love you, Haru.”

Haru carefully untangles himself and stands, holding his hand out to Rin. “Then come to bed with me Rin.”

He’s suddenly nervous, a little afraid, but looking down at Rin, who's looking back up at him with such love, eyes dark with desire and face flushed and blushing, he also feels like maybe it’s supposed to feel this way. This heady mix of excitement and nerves and heat and love, so much love.

Rin takes his hand and allows himself to be pulled up from the sofa and back into Haru’s arms. “Then let’s go to bed.”

* * *

 

At first it’s more awkward than Haru would like, the heat from earlier lost to nervousness as they fumble to undress each other on Haru’s bed, having to twist in strange ways to remove items of clothing while trying not to break the contact of their lips.

But quickly enough, touch takes over and his nerves are washed away in the feel of Rin’s hands on his skin, trailing over his arms, squeezing his biceps, caressing down his back and clutching at his hips. The feel of Rin’s smooth muscle under his own fingertips, and the heat and hardness of Rin’s body pressed against him - it feels _good -_ right and honest to finally lie naked with Rin. As if all the confusion, the months of uncertainty also fall away, each and every advance and retreat only ever having been leading them here. And the way that Rin is looking at Haru, his eyes lidded and liquid with desire...Haru feels drunk on it. He feels like he is losing track of time, losing track of where his body ends and Rin’s starts. He is lost to the taste of Rin’s lips, his tongue, to the strained, needy noises that Rin makes against his throat, the building wave of heat ...it’s all almost too much. But still he wants more.

When the moment finally arrives, and they come together as one, it is with a degree of discomfort that takes Haru by surprise. He has a fleeting impulse to ask Rin to stop, and Rin, noticing, almost does pull away. But, in that same instant, Haru opens his eyes to find himself looking up at Rin - Rin who is so beautiful, his face soft and vulnerable, his lips parted and panting. Rin, who he has wanted for as long as he can remember. _His Rin._ He’s so overwhelmed by it that he finds he forgets his pain and relaxes. He pulls Rin closer to him, and is surprised by the need in his voice, the words barely more than a moan. “Don’t stop.”

Rin sighs against his lips and for a time they lie suspended there, Rin kissing him deeply, Haru adjusting to the new feeling. Eventually Rin starts to move - just the smallest shift of his hips at first before the sensation takes over and they are rocking together, their moans blending and breaking the quiet of Haru’s house. Rin starts up a breathy chant of ‘ _Haru, oh god, Haru’_ that quickly becomes just the cry of Haru’s name, over and over in increasingly strained and desperate tones. As Rin’s thrusts intensify, Haru feels a mirrored desperation grow in him too, his own movements becoming more frantic in return as he shudders with waves of pleasure. Rin slips a hand between them then and the pleasure multiplies. The world seems to shimmer and fade away as Haru’s focus narrows only to Rin, to the feel of their bodies joined, the coiling heat in his belly...

After, as they lie together sweat-slicked, sticky and panting, Haru can’t help but let out a small laugh of wonder at what they have just learned.

“Did you know it would be like _that._ ”

Rin smiles sleepily back at him, his features blurred with contentment. “Haru that was….more than I ever dared...it was _everything_. You’re everything to me.”

He rolls over so he’s facing Haru on his side and slowly trails his hand over Haru’s hip.

“And you’re ok? I mean your body...it didn’t hurt?”

“A little at first.” Haru answers truthfully. “But it felt good too, Rin. Really good.”

Rin smiles before he pauses thoughtfully and a heat rises in his cheeks. “Next time Haru...would you show me?”

“You’d want that?”

“Yeah Haru. I want everything with you.”

Haru feels a pleasant shiver of anticipation. There would be a next time, and a time after that and a time after that. He doesn’t let him think much beyond that, wants to hold on to this moment for as long as he can. He moves forward and kisses Rin’s neck, running his tongue lightly over the sensitive pulse point to taste the salt on Rin’s skin. Rin arches with pleasure and whisper’s Haru’s name with such longing that Haru suddenly feels very much awake…

* * *

 

‘Next time’ turns out to be a lot sooner than either of them expects, and if Haru had thought he was starting to understand the measure and limits of pleasure then the next hours prove him wrong as, all final shyness gone, they lose themselves in the joy of each others bodies.

The feel of Rin quivering against him, under him. The ragged cries he is able to draw from him as he explores all the planes of Rin’s body. The shattering white hot heat he feels as Rin’s mouth uncovers every secret his own body might hold. Haru breaks apart with it over and over with only Rin’s arms able to keep him tethered.

And while not everything is as seamless as TV romances suggest, and sometimes their inexperience shows, there is no embarrassment or awkwardness and they are able to laugh together at their shared learnings.

And well, when they aren’t laughing the quiet house is filled with plenty of other sounds…

Finally, as the first light of a new days starts to bleed in through Haru’s blinds and they find themselves utterly spent, Haru runs a warm bath and together they squash into the tub to wash away the nights exertions before wrapping themselves in a fresh blanket and collapsing onto the bed as one coiled mess of limbs.

Just on the edge of sleep, Haru looks over at the figure beside him and feels such an overwhelming rush of love he almost wants to wake Rin just so he can tell him again. Haru had always held a space in his heart for Rin, but lying there it feels as if his love for Rin is thrumming through all the alleys and chambers of his body. That this is how it was always supposed to be, written though his DNA so that every part of him is coded to love every part of the bright, bold, beautiful boy beside him.


	10. The quiet hours

As robust as they try to make the happy bubble they have created together, inevitably, reality starts to bleed in. The date is set for Rin’s leaving party, and trains booked for his travel to Haneda airport. Makoto helps Haru finalise the details for his new apartment in Toshima and the paperwork arrives with the move in date in bold and underlined.

They don’t talk about it really, and mostly they are still too swept up in each other to acknowledge the subtle shift, but between the heady bouts of kissing and long hours spent tangled together a heaviness slowly begins to settle between them. Rin starts getting quieter, more prone to staring into nothingness, his face tight and brows knitted. It becomes a constant battle to wear the shirts he wants because Haru takes to commandeering them first, burying his face in the fabric absently ( _“They don’t even fit you properly!”, “But they smell like you.”)._ Sometimes, Rin catches Haru staring at him - trying to hold on to all the small details of their lives together - and Haru’s expression must be showing more than he thinks because he can see it makes Rin sad.

At night, they let their touches do the talking they aren’t yet ready for, trying desperately through urgent passions to satiate their need for one another, but it only ever has the opposite effect of leaving them hungrier for more - more touches, more time. They hold each other tightly through the quiet hours, and while neither one will voice it, they become painfully aware that each time a new day breaks their impending separation edges closer.

The air turns a little colder, the first hints of the fall approaching, and Rin stops sleeping so well, getting up earlier and earlier to fret around the house. His eyes sometimes look red and Haru knows he’s been crying but trying to hide it from him. He hates waking up to an empty bed and it makes him uneasy that even with how far they’ve come - how much they’ve shared together - Rin seems to be trying to shut him out from this. That Rin starts to sometimes give him the broad practiced smile that Haru is used to him directing at others. He wishes he could find some way to vocalise this growing ‘no go’ area between them without jeopardizing all the smiles that are still genuine, but it seems it’s not only Rin for whom old habits die hard.

* * *

They have something close to their first fight.

It happens when Haru least expects it, after Rin has spent the morning visiting his mom and Gou which Haru passes peacefully sketching in a patch of sunlight on the tatami matting.

When Rin comes bounding in, hair ruffled around his face by the wind and cheeks flushed, Haru shuts the sketchbook in his lap and braces himself as Rin tackles him in a hug.

“Haru, guess what I just did?”

Haru just presses his face into Rin’s hair, enjoying the familiar smell and savouring the warmth that builds in his chest at seeing Rin looking uncomplicatedly happy.

“Tell me.”

“I told my mom about you. About us I mean.”

Haru can’t help but tense up, Rin seems ok but still…he pulls away and looks Rin in the eyes, carefully trying to read if the happiness there is genuine.

“And?”

“Haru relax it went ...great, actually. She said she’d suspected for a while, but that the day you came over when I’d forgotten my goggles she knew for sure. Isn’t that funny? She’s happy for us, she even got a bit weepy at one point, isn’t that incredible? The only downside is she’s going to want to see you all the time now. She’ll probably wind up trying to visit you in Tokyo. I mean it - she’s going to go full mom-in-law!”

Rin speaks in a giddy rush and Haru lets out the breath he didn’t realise he had been holding, allowing himself to get swept along by Rin’s words.

“That’s...good. That’s really good. I’m glad Rin.” He circles his arms around Rin’s neck and presses a kiss to his lips, then another.

Rin lets himself be distracted by kissing Haru for a little while before he pulls away, nipping playfully at Haru’s neck.

“Sooo, are you going to speak to your folks about me? About us?”

“No.”

Rin pulls away surprised by the sudden flatness in Haru’s tone. “What...Really? Why not?”

“There’s no point. They won’t have anything good to say about it.”

Rin frowns. “I know it might be a bit of a surprise, but surely they just want you to be happy?”

It’s not the right thing to say. Haru feels his stomach lurch and he eases himself out of Rin’s arms slightly.  

“They won’t see it that way.”

Rin can’t hide his disappointment, feels the happy bubble he walked in with threaten to deflate. “But...what if we told them together? When I come visit. They could meet me and I will be super charming and they’ll see that were serious and not just messing aro---”

“No.”

“But Haru...”

“Just trust me on this Rin.”

Haru turns away and picks his sketchbook back up. He glances back at Rin who looks crestfallen, his face threatening to crumple. He’s surprised that along with the pang of guilt, a wave of irritation hits.

“Don’t do that Rin. Why does it matter so much? We know. Our friends know. Your mom does now. Isn’t that enough?”

“But Haru they’re your parents _._ If we’re serious surely ----”

“Rin, just drop it.”

“But Haru…”

Haru can feel a pressure building behind his eyes. Can’t stand the disappointment in Rin’s voice. Feelings he’s worked hard to ignore begin rising up, threatening to overwhelm him. He shuts the sketchbook with a snap.  

“I’m not talking about this anymore.”

Rin watches Haru stalk from the room feeling blindsided but sure that something has just gone very wrong.

* * *

Rin’s first instinct is to brood. He can’t help but feel a little wounded that his big news went sour so quickly and that Haru wouldn’t at least _think_ about speaking to his parents. He’s knows it’s not exactly rational, but as their separation gets closer he feels a degree of desperation to solidify their relationship as much as possible, as if unless there are objective witnesses as soon as Rin leaves Japan it will turn out it all really has been too good to be true and someone will tell him he made the entire summer up.

But rattling round his own head quickly becomes unsatisfying, and it occurs to him that of the two of them, he’s unlikely to be the one feeling most hurt by Haru’s parents refusing to acknowledge their son’s feelings. He goes upstairs to find him.

Surprisingly, Haru isn’t soaking in the bath and instead Rin finds him lying on the bed, bundled up in one of Rin’s hoodies and curled in on himself with his back to the door. Rin wavers for a moment wondering if he is napping, but quickly he can see the rise and fall of his chest is too irregular for that, so he crosses the room and carefully climbs onto the bed beside him, wrapping his arms around Haru’s waist from behind and pressing his face against Haru’s neck. Haru stiffens slightly but doesn’t push him away. The warmth of Haru’s body bleeds into Rin’s skin and he finds himself wishing that somehow, just by holding him, he could keep Haru safe and by his side.

“Haru, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get all pushy about it. I guess I got a little caught up in things going well with my mom.”

Haru gives a small grumbly noise so Rin knows at least that he is listening. He presses a light kiss just under Haru’s ear.

“I think I got this idea in my head that if we told everyone it would make things more… real somehow. For when we have to be apart. I didn’t really think about what you might want. Will you forgive me?”

Haru shifts then onto his back and turns to look at Rin.

“Isn’t it real enough now?”

“That’s… not what I meant. I just… I feel like we wasted so much time. _I_ wasted so much time. Hiding how I felt about you... I don’t want to do that anymore. Not with anyone.”

Haru reaches up and musses his hand through Rin’s hair.

“It wasn’t a waste Rin. Not really. Not when it got us here.”

Rin smiles then and kisses Haru’s palm. Haru’s eyes soften but they are still troubled.

“Rin, I don’t want to hide it either. But my parents... I don’t want to hear what they will have to say about this. It’s….ours. And they'll try and ruin it. Try and make it seem like I’m doing something wrong by loving you.”

Haru’s voice cracks slightly and Rin pulls him quickly against him, burying his face in Haru’s neck and holding him as tightly as he thinks he can handle right now.

“Haru its Ok. I’m sorry, I’m a jerk. We don’t have to tell them anything. Not right now, not until you’re ready.”

Haru’s lies there quietly in Rin’s arms for a long while taking steadying breaths. As much as Rin wishes he could fix everything, he forces himself to be content with just holding him until he’s ready.

Eventually Haru pulls back slightly and looks up at him solemnly, lacing their hands together between them.

“And you’ll be ok? If I tell them and they don’t agree. If they won’t accept you... won’t acknowledge us?”

Rin kisses each of Haru’s fingers in turn then delivers a smile that is more confident than he feels.

“I’m not giving up. I still plan on being able to win them over….But yeah, Haru I’d be fine. I only need you.”

Haru’s gaze searches his a little longer, slightly wary still before he finally curls himself back toward Rin and closes his eyes. Rin lets him sleep then, hands still clasped together, and dozes at his side unable to fall into real dreaming. The truth is it niggles at him. The idea that no matter how much he loves Haru, it might not count for anything with Haru’s parents. The worry that someday that might come between them. It’s the first time its occurred to him that what he and Haru feel for each other might not always be enough, and it leaves him shaken.

* * *

The next day, Rin arranges to meet up with Sousuke over at his place to catch up and help him with his packing for Tokyo. Haru doesn’t say anything about it, but the firm hug he gives Rin before he leaves makes Rin think he’s not as unbothered by what Sousuke will say about their relationship as he makes out.

Rin takes his time working up to it. They spend a long while discussing the meetings Sousuke has been having with sports specialists and surgeons and Rin has to work hard not to get over emotional about his friends shattered dreams. Sousuke seems relaxed though, and happier than Rin has seen him in a while. He’s got a determined spark in his eye when he talks about his classes, his plans for school, and the fire there reassures Rin that maybe he really will be ok.

Eventually, they break to take a drink outside. Rin accepts the soda Sousuke offers him unquestioningly which causes Sousuke to raise a brow.

“So what’s new with you. You seem a little… different.”

Rin clears his throat and worries the tab on his drink.

“I actually wanted to talk to you about something too. About Haru. Well about me and Haru. You see things have changed. Or really I guess they were always different. I mean not like normal friends... rivals...its something else…”

Rin looks up at his friend nervously wondering if he’s making any kind of sense and waiting for the axe to fall, but Sousuke just sighs loudly looking mildly irritable.

“Jeez Rin, I already know. You’re trying to tell me you’re into him right? Well I know Ok. I’ve always known.”

“What? How?” Rin stammers, face leaching colour. Sousuke takes pity on him.

“Rin don’t look so horrified. It’s not like it was tattooed on your head or anything. Just...you’re my best friend and well, frankly, I’ve watched you lose your shit over that guy enough times, so give me some credit. It’s just not exactly a shock you know.”

Rin blushes and rubs the back of his neck. “Did _anyone_ not know before we did?”

“You mean you told him?”

“Yeah, that’s what I was trying to say. Haru and I are, well we’re together now.”

Sousuke gives Rin a long look.

“And this is really what you want Rin? He makes you happy?”

“Yeah, yeah he really does.”

Sousuke sighs and the rubs the back of his own neck, a mirror image of Rin’s nervous habit.

“Look Rin, don’t get mad at me for asking this, but you are sure, right? You’re sure that Nanase feels the same way and he’s not just… trying to keep a hold on you?”

Rin nearly drops the can in surprise. “Wait, is that why you don’t like him? You think he’s been… messing with me?”

Sousuke exhales roughly. “I just, I care about you Rin. And I could always see how much Nanase matters to you but, well to be straight with you, it never seemed to me that he felt the same way. It never seemed like he cared much about anything really. So yeah, it pissed me off. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”  

Rin thinks over the past days, about the way Haru has been looking at him, the way he kisses him, the way he holds him.

“Yeah, Sou. I’m sure.”

Sousuke’s face softens for a moment, but then he visibly bristles.

“Hey wait, don’t tell me this means you’ve decided not to go to Sydney?”

“What? No of course not. I’m still going it’s just….”

“So he’s not asked you? He’s not trying to get you to change your mind?” Sousuke interrupts looking all fired up now.

Rin’s frowns feeling a little thrown by the question. “No. I mean of course not. We’ve never even discussed it. I’ll still go to Sydney and he’ll be in Tokyo.”

Sousuke visibly relaxes, brows raising slightly. “Oh...so it’s a summer thing? I mean, I guess that makes sense…”

Rin cuts him off feeling riled. “What? No! Why would you say that?”

Sousuke’s eyes widen and he has the decency to look a little chastened. “I’m sorry Rin I didn’t mean anything by it. I just… with you both going off to college. I mean your going to be away for the next few years. It’s different continents Rin. I just…I assumed you both realised that…”

“That what, Sousuke?” Rin snaps at him, but Sousuke doesn't rise to it and just carries on calmly, his gaze mild but unflinching.

“That it will make things difficult Rin. Very difficult. When you’ve each got 20 hours of pool time a week - and that’s before even counting classes and dry land mind - how much time are you really gonna have to keep this thing going?”

“We’ll manage. We’ll call and Skype and email”

“This is the same Nanase Haruka we’re talking about right?” Sousuke rolls his eyes a little then looks at Rin squarley.

“Look Rin, I know I’m not exactly president of the Nanase fan club, but I’m not just saying this to be a dick. These years are important. For both of you. Training in Sydney, trying to join the national team, its the real deal. You know that. I don’t want to see you messing up your chance, being held back because you’re too distracted by worrying about what he’s getting up to in college. You know what it takes. What it costs. And seeing what that did to you before… I don’t ever want to see you go through that again Rin.”

Sousuke pauses sighing. “I’m just saying, it’s all good and well you and Nanase making promises now. But can you really swear you’ll both still feel the same in six months time? A year? Two years?”

Rin takes a deep breath and tries to sound as calm as he can despite his racing heart, to look his friend in the eye so he’ll trust that it's not just his emotions getting the better of him. “I will. Sou, this isn’t some whim. It’s going to work out. Swimming _and_ Haru.”

Sousuke looks at him grimly before turning his gaze away. “I hope so Rin, for both of your sakes.” He rolls his shoulder slightly then as if shaking off the conversation, and leans over to give Rin a brief squeeze on the arm “and hey, thank you for telling me. I _am_ happy for you, Rin, really I am.”

Sousuke asks Rin a couple of polite questions about how things have been going with Haru, gently laughing at him for being soppy when he hears about the water garden, but he can see Rin’s heart isn’t really in it anymore so they drop the topic pretty sharply after that. Rin can tell Sousuke feels bad because he barely teases him at all for the rest of the afternoon and offers to let him stay in his new Tokyo apartment whenever he wants.

But Rin still heads home feeling off balance. He trusts Sousuke above all others ... and yet... the things he had to say about his relationship with Haru. It’s not what he expected and it’s certainly not what he wants to hear. 

He had expected Sousuke to be reluctant about Haru, maybe even about Rin falling for a guy, but he hadn’t anticipated such a frank dissection of all the reasons he and Haru were operating on borrowed time.  
  
They might butt heads at times (ok, all the time), but they’ve been friends since they were barely capable of speech and he knows beyond doubt that Sousuke wants nothing but the best for him. Still, damn if it doesn’t hurt to hear someone who has loved him for all the years of his life talk about what he cherishes above all else as if it could be fleeting, temporary. _Just a summer thing._

And the very worst of it all is, Rin can’t then help but to wonder, to worry, if maybe, possibly, Sousuke just might have a point.

Maybe he has been kidding himself about being able to maintain things over the distance. He’d been so overwhelmed, so blissful stupidly happy to learn that Haru returned his feelings that, like with everything he did, he had just blustered into this full force, his mind already 10 steps ahead thinking of shared apartments in Tokyo and if, when it came down to it, he’d be able to be patient enough to let Haru be the one to propose or if he would just have to be the one to do it so that he could pull of something grand and perfect. 

He’d just been assuming that this was it, endgame. That it was fate or destiny or soulmates or something equally romantic. That he and Haru would be together forever now. But as he boards the train home - to Haru’s home - it occurs to him with a sinking feeling - has he ever even really asked Haru if that was what he wanted too?

He wasn’t lying when he told Sousuke he felt sure that Haru loved him, he knows that when Haru tells him that he means it completely, and yet….

He’s used to teasing Haru casually about how little he knows of the world, how sheltered his upbringing has been with the same house, same friends, same pool. But now he wonders if he perhaps he hasn’t been benefiting from that all along. After all, Rin had seen more of what the world had to offer, had travelled, lived abroad, had time and space to come to the realisation that no matter where he was, Haru felt like home. But for Haru, this was going to be his first real chance to experience life outside Iwatobi, so who was to say that once he saw everything, everyone, the world had to offer that he would even want Rin anymore. That Rin would still be enough. Did he really have any right to try to claim this next stage of Haru’s life as his own?

Rin knew he had a bad habit of wanting things too much, of holding on too tightly, and so maybe clinging on to Haru now - the boy who has always insisted on being free - was the worst thing he could do. Because if Sousuke was so concerned about Haru holding Rin back, didn’t that mean the opposite might also be true? 

He stares out of the train window as it winds along the coast approaching Iwatobi, eyes fixed on the blue of the sea blinking in the sunlight. It’s calm today, and yet he still he can’t help but think of loss, and of just how much more of it he might be able to stand. Because that was the danger of loving people, the risk of the pain that comes - so sharp and blinding it still woke him sometimes - when they are no longer in your life. Perhaps, he thinks, it had been wrong of him all along. Selfish and hasty and desperate to start this thing with Haru knowing that he was leaving. This thing that now had the power to hurt them both so much more in the long run that if they’d just remained as friends.

Unbidden, the old urges come back. _Run Rin, because Haru is dangerous. Haru can hurt you._ Only isn’t that’s all wrong now, because Haru loves him, would never hurt him. Because Haru isn’t the storm, he’s the safe place. He leans his head against the glass, thoughts muddy and churning.

* * *

He tries to pull himself together before entering the house, throwing back his shoulders and ready to be charming, but when he finds Haru in the kitchen preparing dinner - apron slung over one of Rin’s T-shirts, his hair slightly ruffled from the steam of the cooking - the sight undoes him. This is Haru. Haru who he has loved since he was still a child. Surely there was a way….

Haru seems to notice right away that something isn’t quite right, as he rests the spoon he’s holding to the side of the cooker to step forward, his arms open to Rin. 

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

Rin doesn’t speak, can’t right now. All he wants is to step forward into Haru’s arms and let him hold him.

But he doesn’t. Something holds him back, and so with a slight shake of the head he delivers the best smile he can manage and instead excuses himself to go running.

Haru stays frozen in the kitchen, frowning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for the comments and support so far x


	11. The space between

Rin seems mostly recovered after a good long run outside and so Haru tries to move past it, telling himself he was mistaken when he saw Rin freeze and shutter before him. He asks Rin about how things went with Yamazaki but Rin will only say that Sousuke was happy for them. Haru thinks back to the last time he saw Sousuke and is skeptical But, why would Rin lie to him anymore?

And yet, something still seems off that Haru can’t quite articulate. 

Rin starts alluding to the move a lot more, dropping facts about Australia into unrelated conversations like ‘ _did you know it’s almost eight thousand miles between Tokyo and Sydney but only one hours time difference?_ ’ or _‘Did you know it will be warm for me there when its cold for you?”_

Haru already knows these things and more and bluntly tells Rin so, but the way Rin watches for his reactions, eyes searching only to lower and look away, he can’t help but feel he’s failing some kind of test.  
  
Rin also stops touching him so much, subtle intimacies going missing that Haru feels silly for noticing and pining after - but he does. Every time his shoulders go uncaptured after they run, or when he is cooking and waits for the feel of Rin’s arms around his waist that doesn’t come, he feels a flutter of anxiety. It’s a if Rin has started to ration himself doses of Haru in preparation for the upcoming drought. Haru thinks this is stupid. Thinks that they should be touching all the time while they can, but although he still takes every opportunity to devolve the tasks of their daily routine into kissing, he doesn’t feel sure how to broach the topic.

Because it’s just so frustratingly like Rin to do this to him. Just as he was starting to feel settled and safe and sure of what they are, Rin just has to go and change the rules again. Haru is as irritated as is he is stricken by it. He doesn’t like that Rin seems to have decided for the both of them that what Haru needs is space, holding himself back to allow Haru to dictate the terms of their relationship. It doesn’t suit Rin, doesn’t suit them. Rin is hardly known for his patience and restraint and when it comes to each other they’ve always worked in absolutes and extremes - and as _equals._

Haru knows Rin thinks that he’s hiding it, this sudden tension, but Rin’s emotions have always telegraphed out from his body, communicated with every movement and touch, and so the fact that he’s suddenly holding back physically feels like a deafening warning siren.  

And he just doesn’t understand it. At night in bed, when the world contracts to just the two of them, he feels it so clearly - the space between them fading away until every atom of Haru feels bonded to every atom of Rin. So it’s jarring in the daylight to be realising that there are still parts of himself that Rin keeps tightly bound and locked away.

* * *

“Are you sure Yamazaki didn’t say something? You’re being weird Rin.” Haru asks finally one evening a few days later after a frustrating afternoon of trying to get Rin to stop looking so serious and fool around with him. (Haru had never expected to find anything in life that could rival the enjoyment he got from swimming, but as it turns out, sex with Rin is just that thing and, much like swimming, he’s keen to get as much practice in as possible.)

“What? no, I told you before he was happy for us.”  
  
“And that’s all?”  
  
“Yeah. He’s a good guy Haru. I mean he did want to make sure us being together wouldn’t affect my plans for swimming, but he’s always been like that...” Rin concedes, giving Haru that look again.  
Haru wrinkles his nose. “Why would it do that?”  
Rin turns away and too late Haru realises once again it feels like he’s failed, missed something important.  
“Yeah that’s what I told him. Anyway, how I am being weird?”  
Haru doesn’t feel like he can say _‘you didn’t brush against my hand this morning’_ or ‘ _you haven’t kiss my neck yet today_ ’ because surely that’s too strange and needy? He’s never been in a relationship before so isn’t sure what the protocol should be, so instead he opts for silence, just huffing out a “whatever.”

Rin frowns frustrated but doesn’t push, which in and of itself feels wrong.

Later, Haru decides that maybe they just need to go on another date since the last one went so well, challenging that he’ll arrange something that can outdo even Rin’s ‘perfect’ planning. Rin agrees enthusiastically at first, his face temporarily losing its tension and lighting with excitement and pleasure at being asked. But then realisation hits and the joy evaporates.

“Oh, Haru we can’t.”  
“Why not?”  
“Well tomorrow we’re seeing Nagisa, Makoto and Rei, then Friday I promised Gou I’d take her shopping and the day after that is my party. The day after that ...”  
Rin trails off. They both know what that day is.  
“Oh. Right”

Haru is stunned that it’s really so little time that they have left together, what amounts to a few mornings and afternoon hours to be alone.  
“How about at Christmas.” Rin suggests weakly, grief flashing across his features before he schools them into a smile.

Haru nods and returns to his book feeling shaken.

* * *

That night, Haru is pulled from sleep with a jerk to find Rin sat bolt upright and panting beside him.

“Rin? Rin what is it?” He mumbles thickly, reaching out to run his hand over Rin’s back, finding the skin there cold and clammy with sweat.

Rin flinches slightly with surprise at the touch and turns to look at Haru, his eyes large and glassy with a panic that he tries in vain to blink back.

“Haru, you’re here.” His voice sounds small and far away.  

Haru sits up then and circles his arms around Rin’s chest, resting his chin on Rin’s shoulder. He thinks back to that night at the start of summer, to the storm, to the overwhelming feeling that holding Rin, keeping him safe, was the most important thing. He hadn’t known then, couldn't have predicted just how much greater that feeling could grow. Just how much untapped capacity he had for loving Rin.

He kisses his shoulder. “I’m here Rin”

“But soon you won’t be.”

Haru pulls back surprised by the blunt, tired tone. “What? Rin...don’t…” but Rin cuts him off, rubbing a hand roughly over his face

“Yeah, I know. Sorry Haru. I didn’t mean to wake you, it was just a stupid dream.” He turns and lands a grazing kiss on Haru’s cheek before gently unwinding his arms. “Go back to sleep. I’m just gonna grab a drink.”

Rin gets up, tugging on his discarded sweatpants and T-shirt, and Haru watches him retreat from the bedroom feeling numb.

He lies for a long time listening to Rin worry round the house downstairs. He’s clearly trying to be quiet about it, but Rin and quiet don’t exactly get on and anyway Haru is too tuned in to Rin to fall back asleep, tracking each footstep. Eventually, the pacing stops and the house falls still, but Rin doesn’t return to him. Haru feels the lingering heat from Rin’s body cool from the sheets and the knot in his stomach grow.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this anymore. He’s already given Rin his whole heart, his body, his bed… he isn’t sure what else there is to do to make Rin feel safe with him. He wonders if he’s been naive to have expected that confessing that they loved each other would somehow have smoothed away all the rough edges between them. With a sickening wave of fear he wonders if perhaps Rin might even be regretting that now, regretting crossing the line that neither of them can uncross and is just unsure how to break it to him.

The thought eats at him and he decides he can’t endure the cool quietness of the bed. Instead he pulls back the covers to tug on some shorts and heads downstairs, finding Rin stooped over and sat in the dark on the very edge of the sofa, earbuds in, head in his hands. Haru pauses slightly in the door. Every line of Rin’s body looks tense, his shoulders tight, his bitten fingernails restlessly knotting in his hair, knees tapping out a soundless beat. He looks caged and unpredictable and mostly like he wants to be anywhere but here. Haru almost turns to leave again, but he rallies his resolve and slips beside Rin on the cushions. Rin turns with soft surprise, but doesn’t say anything when he catches the worry in Haru’s eyes.

Slowly, as if he’s approaching a wild animal, Haru works his arms around Rin’s waist, pressing his cheek to Rin’s shoulder and gently pulling him back. Rin lets Haru maneuver them wordlessly until they are lying flush on their sides and though it takes a while Rin eventually relaxes into him a little, his back against Haru’s chest. Haru plucks one of the earbuds from Rin’s ear, placing it in his own so they are sharing the same music. It’s surprisingly soft and relaxing - something classical Haru thinks. He hadn’t known Rin even listened to any of that stuff, and as he holds him now, he wonders how much else he has missed, how much else there is still to learn and understand in order to be what Rin needs.

Haru closes his eyes breathing in Rin. He feels the familiar ache, the hunger for Rin, rise up. Surely Rin must know much he needs him, and if he doesn’t, how could he ever explain the depth and breadth of the want he feels? He presses more firmly against Rin’s skin and stays silent. He doesn’t sleep and he doesn’t think Rin does either, but they lie quietly together until the morning light creeps across the room and it’s time to slip back into their daily routine of running and breakfast and swimming. Once again Rin seems to come back to himself after a run - he chatters happily about how his fly times are going and tries to wind Haru up about their next freestyle race.

But in so many ways that just makes it so much worse because time is rapidly starting to run out, and as much as Haru feels sick at the thought of Rin going, the idea that they will part with this ... strangeness unresolved between them is truly unbearable.

* * *

Haru feels a little guilty for it, but it's actually almost a relief to be spending the rest of the day with Makoto, Nagisa and Rei. Despite the urge to jealously guard their remaining time together, keeping a constant and vigilant watch over Rin - trying to read in his body language all the things he won’t say - is starting to weigh on him. Besides, Rin comes to life around their friends, practically vibrating with energy, his happy swagger out in full force.

They while away a couple of hours at the beach before hitting the rickety old seafront arcade, Rin happily and tirelessly challenging them all to compete with him on the games. Haru gives as good as he gets for a while. He relishes the familiarity and simplicity of competition -  the heat in Rin’s eyes that promises a private rematch later - but what he really needs is to speak to Makoto, and so as soon as Rin is distracted by losing (sorely) to Rei at a logic game, Haru meets Makoto’s gaze and without needing to speak they move outside together.

“You’re worrying about him.” Makoto starts simply.

“He’s leaving me behind again”

Makoto frowns a little.

“Haru I know it’s going to be hard…”

Haru shakes his head. Its unlike Makoto to misunderstand him.

“No, already. Now. Somethings wrong and he won’t tell me. Its like before. But he thinks I can’t see.”

Makoto watches him looking thoughtful, when he speaks again his voice is soft and kind.

“You’re worrying it’s going to be like last time, right? You think he might not come back. Or that he’ll change again.”

Haru looks away but its confirmation enough.

Makoto shakes his head. “Haru you can’t really think that. Everything is so different now. He’s different…”

Haru buries his face in the neck of his T-shirt, Rin’s T-shirt, and looks out at the sea. Makoto gently squeezes his shoulder.

“Haru it won’t be like before.”

Haru nods unconvinced. When he finally speaks again his voice is so soft and low that Makoto has to lean in to catch it. Each word is a battle to get out, but Makoto lets him take his time, knows it’s hard for Haru, to be open, to show his vulnerabilities.

“But he doesn’t... tell me things. He just decides. That I don’t need to know. or it's too much. or I won’t understand. If it’s like that now ...how will I know...if things get bad again. If he’s struggling. I just...I can’t ...lose him, not again.”

Makoto weighs his words carefully.

“I think...I think you need to tell him that Haru. Even if it’s difficult to say. Because I think maybe you’re not the only one who's afraid. It was a hard thing Rin went through last time and he did it all alone. He’s brave to go back and try again… try and follow his dream. But just because he’s brave doesn’t mean he isn’t scared too. And so maybe he just needs to hear it…that he’s won’t be alone this time. I know you think he should understand already...but I think maybe he needs to know that whatever happens with swimming, with Sydney, it won’t change how you feel - it’s the truth right?”

Haru sighs frustrated, raking a hand through his hair. “I thought this would be easier.”

Makoto can’t help but laugh a little at that “You and Rin? I don’t know about easy Haru... but it is worth it right? You love him? He makes you happy?”  

“Yeah... It’s worth it.” Haru confirms quietly, the faintest ghost of a smile on his lips.

Makoto smiles at him broadly again before slightly ruffling Haru’s hair in a way he knows Haru only pretends to dislike.  

“Then you’ll find a way. You both will. I truly believe that...Just talk to him.”

They stand in companionable silence for a while staring out at the surf. Somehow having Makoto there just calms Haru, makes him feel like things really might be ok. He becomes so lost in thought, that when his friend speaks suddenly it causes him to jump.

“Haru, there’s actually something I wanted to ask you too.”

Haru looks over curious and Makoto takes a deep breath.

“You’re not regretting it are you? Your decision to stay here, to go to Tokyo with me while Rin goes away.”

Haru reaches out on instinct, looping his friends wrist with his fingers. He's surprised to see Makoto looking a little nervous, a little vulnerable, though he’s clearly trying to hide it behind a soft smile.

“Makoto no, why would you ask me that?”

“It’s not an unusual thing to ask Haru. Things between you and Rin...well it’s serious, right? You love each other and you want to be together. So I think it’s only natural you might want to change your mind.”

Haru frowns and thinks for a long time.

“I do want to be with Rin. But he’s following his dream.  And I have to follow mine. I want to go to Tokyo with you Makoto. Even if it means being apart from Rin for a while.”

Makoto hums softly in agreement, his eyes full of unspoken emotion. Haru feels a sudden surge of warmth for his friend, his brother in everything but blood. He squeezes Makoto’s wrist gently again.

“I want to go to Tokyo.”

  
Haru senses Rin before he sees him, before he speaks. He scrubs his face quickly, before he turns to see Rin hastily fixing a broad smile.

“There you both are! Are you out here sulking because I beat you?” he teases, but his voice sounds a little flat.

“You didn’t beat me.” Haru replies absently and on reflex.

Makoto gives Haru’s shoulder a final quick squeeze before he smiles at Rin and murmurs his excuses, heading back inside to leave the two of them alone.  

Rin frowns slightly after Makoto and takes Haru in properly.

“Haru, are you ok? Is everything alright?”

Haru sighs. “I don’t know Rin. Is it?”

Rin flushes looking caught and guilty. “Yeah… yeah of course Haru, everything’s fine. Today’s been great.”

Haru looks away biting his lip and failing to hide the faint scowl on his face at the lie.

Rin stands for a moment, helpless. “Haru...did I...have I done something wrong?”  

When Haru turns again the expression on Rin’s face makes his stomach lurch. Rin is looking away, his features tight, his shoulders stooped. He looks defeated, looks like he had all those years ago when Haru had beaten him in their race. Right before he’d left him.

Haru finds himself reaching for him automatically. He laces their fingers together and tugs Rin closer to him shaking his head.

“Rin no. Just, stay here with me for a bit.”

Rin moves beside him obediently and they stand in silence watching the waves crashing against the sand.

Haru wants to talk about it, knows they have to, but he doesn't know what he’s supposed to say to make this ok. How was he supposed to explain that as much as it was going to hurt being apart, it wasn’t really the distance that he feared. That he knew his love could cross oceans but that this, this closing off, shutting out was the thing he couldn’t bear.  

What he wants to do is to tell Rin that the last time, if had felt like Rin had abandoned him not because he’d gone to Australia, but because after having charged into Haru’s life, electrifying everything, he had just upped and left as if Haru had been nothing, disposable. With no sight or sound of him for years. It had felt as if Haru had been plunged into darkness. And Haru fears that darkness, fears that loss.

But he doesn't say any of this. He just holds Rin’s hand and looks out at the sea. Because when it comes down to it, underneath all the love, all the happiness, there’s a part of him that is still afraid of how much Rin could hurt him. Afraid that the old Rin will come back, that the shutters will come down and stay down. That Rin will push him away.

And so he stands there quietly battling with himself.  

Eventually he gives in with a sigh and tugs Rin’s hand.

“Come on. We’ve got a score to settle right?”

Rin jerks from his own thoughts and turns to smile at Haru. And this time its a real one - broad and bright and it’s _everything_.

“Yeah, you still sure you wanna take me on?”

Haru squeezes Rin’s fingers and stares firmly back, willing Rin to understand him.

“Yeah Rin, always.”

He knows he can’t leave it like this much longer, knows things need to be said, issues resolved, but for now all Haru wants is to play a stupid game with Rin and have him be happy and _with him_.

And so for a little while longer it works. They retreat to their bubble and pretend that Rin isn’t hiding and Haru isn’t afraid.  

But, as they quickly discover, there was only ever going to be so long that they could hold back the tide...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, so this chapter just refused to do what I wanted it to so I have given up for now and posted. Thank you to anyone who has stuck with my story this far - as a first attempt at writing a whole ~thing~ I certainly feel like I am learning! The last two chapters feel more plotted out so hopefully the ending will close things off properly!


	12. Sweet sorrow

Things finally come to a head. On one of their very last mornings together they get up before dawn and run to the beach to watch the sunrise. Chests heaving with exertion, they silently watch the sky turn from inky, to red to blue. It’s beautiful, but does nothing to ease the weight in Haru’s chest.

Haru can tell Rin is watching him, has long stopped looking at the horizon and so he turns to meet his gaze.  

Rin looks beautiful in the morning light, all the graceful planes and angles of his features illuminated. Haru wants to paint him, wants to step forward and loose his hair from where its tied back, gleaming bright garnet.  

But Rin’s expression changes under Haru’s attention. He’s chewing his lip, his mouth tugged down at the corners looking tense, and Haru knows him well enough by now to recognise when Rin is trying to work himself up to say something. So he waits, trying not to let the flutter of anxiety run away from him.

“Haru, why have you never asked me to stay?”

Haru feels like he’s been punched in the chest. It’s not a question he expected. He frowns slightly. “Rin?”

“It’s just...I mean I was scouted by schools here, good schools. That are closer and well ...maybe it’s wouldn’t be too late. Maybe I don’t have to go to Sydney. If that’s something you wanted...”

Rin lets the sentence hang and Haru’s eyes turn stormy. He’s surprised by how betrayed he feels. He can tell the anger in his voice surprises Rin too.

“No! it wouldn’t work. You have to go and I have to stay here.”

Rin flinches. “Haru are you saying … do you want to break up?” his voice wavers and his eyes become dangerously glassy. Haru clenches his fists feeling like he could be the one to cry.

“Rin of course not! It’s just…” He clams up and looks away, frustrated at having to find words to explain something he thinks should be so obvious. Surely Rin should know by now, should understand that though he might have considered it a thousand times, he would never dream of actually asking Rin to change the course of his life for him. He wonders how this can keep happening...if they are ever going to stop misunderstanding each other...

Taking a deep breath, he forces himself to try and find the words. “Australia is your dream Rin. How could we be together if it meant giving that up? I couldn’t…can’t you see that? I don’t like that we have to be apart. And I don’t want us to break up, not ever. But you have to be free too.”

Despite his best effort, Rin presses on.

“Haru, we will be _thousands_ of miles apart and I won’t ever see you. I know we don’t talk about it but I’m going to be gone for a long time - a year at least. Maybe more if national team tryouts don’t work out. Doesn’t that scare you?’

Haru can see Rin’s getting desperate now, his voice rising dangerously, shoulders hunching in as if he’s bracing for a blow.

“We’ll email and call and use that sky thing..”

“Haru you don’t know how to skype.”

“I’ll learn. Makoto will show me. And we’ll visit eachoth...”

“You don’t travel Haru!”

“I will Rin. I will for you. It will be ok.”

“But what if it’s not enough? What if I’m…”

“It is. It will be.”

Haru stares at Rin unflinching, trying to will him to be calm. If Rin is going to waver he decides that he will just need to be sure enough for the both of them. But it seems to have the opposite effect. Rin tugs his hair frustrated.

“How can you know that Haru? And how can you be so calm about this? Fuck...how are you always so calm and I’m over here losing my mind?”

Haru flinches at that. The tacit suggestion that somehow Rin feels it more, fears it more than he does, the impending pain of their separation.

“What do you want from me Rin? You can’t stay and I can’t go. That’s just how it is. We can’t both fall apart.”

He can see Rin is shaking slightly now, he bears his teeth in a sharp grimace.

“Shit, well I’m sorry I can’t keep it together for you Haru. I know it must be a real hassle and don’t you just hate those.”

Haru feels the first flutters of real panic. He’s seen this before, this stance, the way Rin starts to fold in on himself. The hard edges coming back.

“That’s not fair. Don’t do this Rin.”

“Fuck, _I can’t_ do this Haru! That’s the whole point. It’s too hard...I can’t….just. _Fuck_!”

Rin scrubs a hand over his face and turns suddenly, starting to stalk off along the beach. Haru feels rooted to the spot, like someone has just poured ice water down his back. His heart in his throat, he watches Rin’s retreating back, the image transposed with all the other times he’s had to watch Rin Matsuoka walk away from him. He balls his hands into fists. _This can’t be happening again._

Haru finds his voice. “Rin, No.”

Rin turns around, his face stricken but confused. “Haru wha--”

But Haru’s already moving, comes flying at him, tackling Rin around the waist so that they both go tumbling into the freezing surf. Rin surfaces spluttering, Haru gripping his T-shirt tightly.

“ _Haru what the fuck?_ ”

“I said no Rin. You don’t get to do that anymore. You don’t get to just decide things are too hard and give up. So stop it, stop shutting me out. Creeping out of bed in the morning. Smiling at me thinking I won’t see you’ve been crying. I can’t bear it Rin. Stop leaving me behind.”

Haru glares at Rin fiercely, his eyes sharp and his mouth set in a firm line. Rin looks pale, mouth agape and stunned at the outburst, but after searching Haru’s face for a moment, he lets out a sigh and sags forward, resting his hand against Haru’s.

“Haru I….I’m sorry…I didn’t mean....I _don’t_ mean to. I don’t want to fight with you and I don’t want to run away. I’m just... scared. I’m _so fucking scared_ I’m going to lose you again. And if that’s what’s going to happen anyway, shouldn’t we just... do it now, before it’s even worse...” Rin’s face crumples again then, and Haru feels the frustration dissipate. Instead he pulls Rin tight against his body, his arms circling Rin’s broad shoulders as they shake slightly.

Not for the first time Haru curses his lacking grasp of language, wishes he could somehow select the right combination of the words to make Rin understand his heart.

“That’s not going to happen Rin. I waited too long for this - to be able to love you and not hide it anymore. I can still love you if you are in Australia and I’m here...I’ve done it before Rin. And this time we can talk, and visit and we’ll still see each other….however long it has to be, it won’t be forever. We can last this Rin.”

He pulls away so he can meet Rin’s gaze. “I promised you, Rin, I promised you we wouldn’t ruin this and we won’t. This isn’t a mistake. I want you. I want _this._ Just... stay with me where it matters.” He pulls Rin’s hand until it rests against his damp t-shirt, over his heart.  “That’s all I need. I’m asking you to stay with me.”

 

* * *

“Haru you’re shivering.”

Haru lifts his head from Rin’s shoulder. He’s not actually sure how long they been sitting there, just holding each other tightly as the waves crash around them. He pulls back and splashes Rin

“Whose fault is that? If you hadn’t been being such a drama queen I wouldn’t have had to cool you off.”

Rin splashes him back looking an endearing mix of bashful and mock offended.

“Hey! How does you half drowning us make _me_ the dramatic one?”

They look at each other sheepishly, still sat in the surf, water to their chests. Laughter bubbles up and then they are leaning back together. Their kiss tastes faintly of salt spray and sweat, but its sweet and Haru feels the pain in his chest continue to ease. He feels it completely, they will last this.

“Just, promise me you won’t find some other impossibly charming redhead and forget about me, ok?” Rin mutters into Haru’s hair as he pulls away smiling weakly.

Haru snorts, nuzzling Rin’s neck. “What makes you think I like redheads so much Rin? My tastes could be wildly varied and exotic.”

“Says the guy who will happily eat mackerel three times a day….”

Haru shrugs and struggles to standing.

“When I find something I love I stick with it, Rin.”  

Rin blushes and lets Haru haul him out the water. They walk home slowly, uncomfortable in salt stiffened and wet clothes, and even more uncomfortable by the conversation they finally force themselves to have, discussing dates and logistics for possible visits, commitments to email, to call, to video chat at least once a week. Haru makes Rin swear that if things aren’t going well he won’t try and hide it, and Rin makes Haru promise his emails have to be more than three sentences long. It’s hard, and more than once Haru starts to clam up or Rin feels his eyes start to water, but they get through it, and when they arrive back home its hand in hand.

Loving Rin might be natural, but it’s also going to take work sometimes, Haru realises. Luckily neither of them have ever been afraid of working hard for the things that matter.

They take longer to bathe than _strictly_ necessary, but in the joining of their bodies they find ways to with touch repeat their commitments from the beach. Then once dry and dressed in fresh clothes, Haru disappears for a moment before returning to present Rin with a slim rectangular box.

“It’s your leaving gift. I was going to wait but ...well. Just open it.”

Rin’s hands are shaking slightly and so its takes him a while to work through the wrapping, but when he does he’s presented with a pair of pre-paid, open date tickets from Sydney to Tokyo and a set of keys.

“To my new apartment.” Haru explains. Rin’s eyes water immediately. Haru had known that they would.

“Haru, it’s too much I can’t.”

Haru covers Rin’s hands with his own.

“It’s for me too Rin. I hate the thought that money might ever stop you… I just, I want you to be able to visit home whenever you want. And I want you to know that my home is your home too. Always.”

“Besides” Haru smiles wryly looking away. “My parents have been trying to replace affection with money for years. At least this way I can get what they were paying for.”

Rin sniffs heavily and scrubs his face. “Well now you made it weird. Like I’m some high class call boy you can just…”

Haru tackles him across the floor.

* * *

On the day of Rin’s leaving party, Haru gets up early and catches the train alone, the address Makoto gave him crumpled tight in his hand. There’s something he needs to lay to rest.

He arrives at Sousuke’s house just as Sousuke is shutting the door to head out on a run. He looks at Haru in surprise.

“Nanase? What are you doing here. Is Rin ok?”

Haru doesn’t say anything at first, but pulls an airmail envelope out of his pocket and holds it out. The envelope is old and so well thumbed and worn that it’s almost falling apart, but Sousuke takes it, eyebrows raised. He carefully pulls the yellowed paper from within and his eyes immediately light with recognition as he reads the childish handwriting addressed to himself, recognises the places where Haru’s name has been written to cover a series of hastily erased ‘you’-s. A letter that Rin had sent to Sousuke a long long time ago, but that has always by all rights belonged to Haru.

“So, you kept it all this time.” Sousuke says finally, looking up to take in Haru’s determined expression. Haru nods.

‘I never thanked you properly for giving it to me. I wanted to tell you thank you now.” Haru gives an awkward little bow and Sousuke frowns, still not entirely understanding. Haru straightens up and meets Sousuke’s eyes with a hard, piercing gaze.

“I also wanted you to hear this from me, to listen to me when I say I love Rin. I’m in love with Rin and I’ll love him no matter what - whether we’re together or not, whether he’s in Sydney or Tokyo. Whether we both swim or we don’t. I’ll love Rin and I’ll do whatever it takes to support his dream. I wanted you to know that.”

Sousuke lingers over the paper for a while longer before he folds it, gently placing it back in the envelope and finally handing it back to Haru, his teal eyes softening.

“Thank you Nanase. That’s good to hear. Rin is very important to me.”

Haru looks away then, seeming to have used up all his words with the outburst.

“So you and Tachibana are headed to Tokyo a couple of days after Rin flies out?”

A nod.

“Well, I hope we can see each other sometime in the city. I think Rin would like that.”

Haru’s eyes widen slightly in surprise but he nods again.

“I would like that too.”

Sousuke rolls his shoulders slightly. “So did you wanna come in or…?’  
“No. That was what I had to say. That and to make sure you come tonight. To Rin’s leaving party. We’re having a bonfire on the beach and fireworks. You’re very important to him too so you should be there.”

Sousuke rubs his chin thoughtfully.

“Fireworks you say? You know he’s totally going to cry at that.”

Another nod.

“Will you come?”

Sousuke smiles broadly, and for once Haru thinks he can see a glimpse of why Rin likes him so much.

“Yeah, I will. Thank you for inviting me Nanase.”

“Haru. Call me Haru”

“Ok...Haru. I’ll see you tonight.”

* * *

Rin’s leaving party goes off without a hitch. Well, almost. Rei and Nagisa have a rather heated debate about the best way to build and light the bonfire (Rei’s way if of course most technically sound, but Nagisa is convinced his will be bigger and better and overall more fun. Rei wins. Just) and Gou seems determined to sprinkle all the food with extra protein powder (‘ _I’m protecting your muscles!’_ ) which aside from Nagisa only Makoto is polite enough to eat - but on the whole it’s everything Haru could possibly have hoped for for Rin.

At first Rin himself seems a little reluctant to leave Haru’s side. Since their beachside confrontation and reconciliation all Rin’s most tactie urges had resurfaced, and his arm around Haru’s waist is starting to feel like an extension of Haru’s own limbs. Yet as much as Haru enjoys the feel of Rin’s body, his warmth so close and seeping into his skin, he gently extricates himself and watches contentedly as Rin is pulled in all directions by friends and teammates wanting to fuss over him.

He watches as Gou and Rin bicker good naturedly, as Sousuke and Rin complete their dumb handshake and laugh uproariously at it. As Aii delivers a heartfelt and slightly stuttering speech. As Rin slings his arm around Makoto’s shoulders and the two of them engage in what looks like a lengthy heart to heart, heads bowed and faces serious but full of affection.

He watches Rin. Rin who he loves, being so openly loved by his friends, who Haru also loves, and its as if the love they all share multiplies, echoing and reverberating around them until he is overwhelmed by it, unsure if it's all too much for one heart to hold. He wants to etch this moment on his skin, to keep it clasped tight to him so that it never feels less bright and perfect than it does now, but he tries to be content with just living it, sitting and letting it all wash over him.  

As the night goes on, and the darkness finally fully falls, they set off the fireworks. As Sousuke correctly predicted Rin cries, but his tears quickly turn to laughter when Nagisa gets a little too excited by the fireworks and almost ends up with an eyebrow missing. Gou then manages to produce a series of sparklers and they challenge each other to write messages in the sky. Haru’s attempt at drawing ‘mackerel’ causes a few groans and jeers. Rin’s message is far soppier and really only meant for one person. Haru’s skin burns in the dark.

As the evening eventually starts to wind down, and people slowly start to say their goodbye’s, Haru watches as again and again Rin is pulled into hugs, his hair starting to stand on end from so much mussing. It fills him with joy to see Rin so well loved, and with wonder that Rin has chosen him with whom to truly share his heart.

Sousuke is one of the last to go, and he and Rin clasp each other tightly while trading stupid insults that Haru doesn’t understand before Sousuke pulls away and slings his arm casually over Haru’s shoulders.

“And I’ll see you and Makoto in Tokyo soon Haru. If you need any help with the move or getting set up or anything just give me a call.”

Rin’s mouth drops open not even attempting to hide his surprise. Sousuke raises his brows at him and jostles Haru closer against him.

“What? Didn’t Haru here tell you? We’re the best of friends now.”

Haru does that magic trick of keeping his face perfectly blank while transmitting blue bloody murder with his eyes at the same time.

“Stop touching me Yamazaki”

“Oh come on! What’s this Yamazaki nonsense. Its Sou now, Sousuke at least!” Sousuke teases, enjoying himself far too much.

Rin looks between them both incredulous. “Haru?”

“You need new friends Rin.”

Sousuke just rolls his eyes pretending to be mortally offended before waving over his shoulder and heading to catch the last train.

 

Haru and Rin flop down on the sand and lean together watching the remains of the bonfire.

“I don’t want tonight to end” Rin says wistfully, staring at the dying embers.

Haru thinks for a moment before taking his hand and tugging him up. “Come with me.”

 

He leads them through the quiet and dark streets of Iwatobi until they reach _ITSC Returns_. Haru slips them round the back to a service entrance which, with a few precise jimmys of the lock, he manages to bust open.

Rin raises his eyebrows equal parts amused and impressed. “Just how long have you been sneaking in here Haru?”  
Haru just shrugs “I like to swim a lot Rin.”  
Rin can’t help but laugh at the absurdity of the statement, throwing his arm over Haru’s shoulder.  
“Wow Haru, I’m honoured you finally felt able to share something so private and personal with me.”

Haru just rolls his eyes and leads them through the dark corridors and out to the pool deck.

 

They race over and over, each one coming too close to call until eventually Rin’s endurance just about wins out and his hand touches the wall just a fraction of a second before Haru’s.

“You won that time Rin.” Haru just manages to pant out. Rin is equally flushed and breathless at his side. He regards Haru suspiciously.

“And you weren’t holding out on me?”

“Tsk, as if I ever would.” Haru answers, splashing him. “Besides, don’t get too cocky. It was still close. I’ll beat you at Christmas.”

“But I won!” Rin crows looking instantly pleased. Haru thinks with a pang how much he’s going to miss seeing the joy Rin is able to eek from each and every little victory.

“Sooooo...what do I get for beating you?” Rin asks, his voice lowering as he moves to sneak an arm around Haru’s waist, pulling him close.

“What do you want Rin?”

Rin’s eyes rake over him considering, before he takes Haru’s hand and starts to pull him towards the shadowed end of the pool.

“Come with me”

 

It takes some time to work out, the right positioning of arms and legs, the angles to make it work, but soon they are stripped of their suits and moving against each other, Rin’s back against the pool wall, arms around Haru’s neck and Haru gripping onto the side. Rin gives a trembling sigh as he finally settles himself onto Haru, Haru biting back a cry at the sudden contrast of the cool water around them and the tight, hot heat of Rin. He knows he won’t last long, not with the noises that escape Rin’s mouth as he locks his ankles around Haru’s waist, heels digging into Haru’s back as he uses the leverage to set a relentless rhythm. Haru trembles with the pleasure of it, wanting to bury himself further and deeper into Rin and to never have to leave his body again. Too soon he feels his control start to slip, but wants this to feel as good for Rin as it does for him so he risks letting go the side of the pool with one of his hands to instead wrap around Rin and mirror the motion of their bodies with a firm, slick grasp.  

* * *

After, they don't hurry back, walking the streets so slowly that at times it is as if they aren't moving at all, hands entwined, slow progress made slower by periodic pauses to press up against each other in the dark. Eeking out every final sweet moment together. When they finally reach home - the home they have made and and shared together all summer long - Haru leads them straight up to their bed where they strip each other reverently before tumbling to the sheets in a breathless flurry of desperate clutches and deep kisses.

Haru tries to hold on as long as he can, makes sure to commit to memory the feel of Rin’s body under his hands, to kiss each tiny freckle on his skin, to record in his heart each and every noise Rin makes, the sound of his name on Rin’s lips as they fall apart in each others arms over and over.

Later, when they’ve finally exhausted themselves, they whisper to each other the shared stories of their youth

_Remember that first race_

_Remember that time when it snowed..._

_Remember when you ..._

Eventually, Rin’s voice turns slow and heavy and Haru circles his arms around his chest and lets him doze. Haru laying his head against Rin’s heart, stubbornly fighting sleep.

When dawn finally breaks and Haru feels Rin stir to leave he presses his face into the pillow. He can’t watch him go. He feels Rin’s hand brush through his hair, then Rin’s breath warm against his ear.

_“I’m coming back to you I promise. I’m coming home again.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So today has been heinous and I thought finally getting this posted might cheer me up (plus, I'm at the stage where I think I am just making things worse with any edits...fun :) )
> 
> Only one chapter to go and I will actually have finished my first THING.


	13. Home again

Haru waits at the airport nervously, foot tapping impatiently as he checks the board for what must be the hundredth time to confirm yet again that, yes Rin’s flight has landed on time.

He fiddles with his collar and smooths his hair. He feels flushed and feverish with the anticipation. Any moment now the sliding doors in front of him will open and it will be Rin. His Rin on the other side.

It’s coming close to a year since Rin was last in Japan and almost a year and a half since he left Haru in their bed in Iwatobi. Haru’s heart stutters with the knowledge that this time, this time that Rin returns could be the last one, the time that he stays for good.

He forces himself to swallow that thought down. Not to get ahead of himself. He focuses on the doors, his whole body tense as a guitar string that if plucked would have only one note. _Rin._

* * *

Managing the distance isn’t easy.

The first time Rin comes back - a few stolen days booked on a whim barely two months into their separation - It’s an unmitigated disaster. Rin puts so much pressure on himself for everything to be perfect that his inability to relax riles Haru no end. They wind up in a blazing row, barely speaking for a whole day before spending the last 24 hours of the trip making up. Vigorously. 

But in many ways to Haru, the fight actually calms him, reassures him that they really are going to be ok. Because even in the midst of the argument - when Rin is slamming cupboards and he is refusing to talk - there is never any suggestion that they will do anything other than fight it out. Rin doesn’t try to leave once (although Haru can tell the impulse to run is still there) and Haru forgoes his usual retreat to the bath in favour of staying close by at Rin’s side (albeit sullen and silent). They talk about it after too. And when he drops Rin off at the airport, as hard as it is to say goodbye, there’s a degree less pain than before. As if now that the first parting, the first reunion is over, they can both finally believe that what they have between them is bigger, more vast and more powerful than any ocean, any distance could possibly be.   

The next time, Haru keeps his promise and travels to Rin for winter break. The flight and border security wear against him, the airless cabin threatening to choke him, his nails biting crescent moons into his palms. When he finally arrives he simply sags against Rin, relieved to be in the safety of his arms, trusting that they will catch him, that Rin can take his weight and get them where they need to be.  
  
That first night they stay at Russell and Lori’s and Rin tucks him into the guest room to rest and recover from the flight. As soon as the house falls quiet though, Haru pads barefoot across the landing and into Rin’s childhood bedroom. Rin’s eyes shine out to him in the dark as he settles himself across his thighs. Rin’s skin burns hot, torn between desire and shyness at being at his old homestay.  
  
Desire soon wins out though, and Rin trembles under his palms as Haru presses Rin inside him. “I’m here” Haru whispers as he rocks their bodies together and Rin smothers his cries against Haru’s skin.  
  
Haru watches Rin closely all week, subconsciously searching for any sign that Australia is getting to him, changing him again. But aside from a slight broadening of his shoulders, the muscles there a little more defined, and a golden tan where the sun has warmed his skin, Rin still acts and feels like _Rin._  
  
Australia may not be changing him, but Rin seems determined that together he and Haru will change it.  
  
Rin takes him to every place that ever meant something to him when he was growing up - his old school, old pool, old shopping centre - trying to rewrite any sad or lonely memories with new happy ones. He takes him to every place that means something to him now - introduces him to his team, shows him his campus, his favorite restaurants - so that in the coming months he can remember it always as ‘theirs’.  
  
If he’s honest, Haru finds it quite tiring, this criss crossing of Sydney, repeatedly battling crowds and tourists. He doesn’t feel the huge desire to see or do anything much beyond just being with Rin.

But he can tell it’s important to Rin, that it’s part of some big romantic idea of his. That in his own way he’s offering to Haru all the pieces of his life here. The good bits and the hard bits. And so Haru is grateful, will take anything that Rin is willing to offer.

They spend a long day on Bondi Beach, swimming and laughing and messing around in the sand, so different to the tension of last time, all the unspoken words that had hung between them now made real in kisses and touches and _‘i love you’s’._ Haru thinks he may even learn to like Sydney after seeing it through Rin’s eyes (though he hopes he won’t have to).  

On their final night together Rin takes them back to the hostel from their previous trip. Haru stays quiet all through check in until Rin leads him up to that room - their room - and Rin looks at him brows lifted.  
“Don’t you want to know why we’re here Haru?”  
Haru removes the strap from his shoulder, dropping his bags at his feet to lay a hand flat over Rin’s chest. He pushes, slowly backing Rin up until he’s pressed against the wall, their lips almost touching. But not quite, not yet.  
“I know why we’re here Rin.”  
“I wasn’t sure you’d recognise it.” Rin says softly “You were so quiet that night. You felt so far away. And I wanted to reach out and touch you so much but I couldn’t.”

Haru remembers that night, that through all the fog, all the fear he had felt about his future, Rin had felt solid and safe and like hope. He thinks too of all the nights after that he had quietly lain awake next to Rin, measuring his breaths and desperately wanting to bridge the gap between them, yet undone by the fear that he might break everything they had built.

He takes a shaky breath and answers Rin. Rin who is no longer unknown to him, who is his lover, his partner, his very heart.  
“I’m here now. Touch me Rin. Please. I’m asking you to touch me now.”  
Rin leans forward, pressing his forehead to Haru’s, his breath shaky.  
“I love you Haru, _god I love you so so much_ ”  
“Rin, please”  
Rin finally sinks against Haru’s lips sighing. He kisses him deep and slow and Haru finds himself gripping against Rin desperately to keep his legs from giving way. Rin’s hands reach up to tangle in Haru’s hair, to slide down his shoulders, his arms, to grip his hips and press them tight together.    
  
They don’t sleep that night, too absorbed making far better use of that same shared bed. Overwriting the silence of the past with moans and shouts and stifled curses. They press marks into each others skin, love bites, real bites, the drag of nails. Tender bruises to cherish in the coming days when the separation will once again be fresh, a reopened wound.

They travel to the airport dazed with sleeplessness and pleasantly sore. When it’s finally time to part, Rin forgoes his usual public self consciousness and kisses Haru so hard and long at departures that it steals the very breath from his lungs. Pulling apart, Rin presses his head against Haru’s and repeats his promise. _“I’m coming home.”_  
  
The next gap is the longest and the hardest. Months and months go by sustained only by the occasional call or Skype. Training kicks up and they have to work not to let the tiredness seep into irritability. Rin can’t make it home for Sakura season and Haru comes to resent the petals, sick at the sight of them because Rin loves them so much and _he should be here._ He does manage to capture and press a few blossoms though, sending them to Rin along with a too short letter and a sketch of yoyogi park in full bloom. Rin gives him shit about Australia’s strict quarantine laws, but Haru can tell by the slight tremor in his voice that he’s been crying over the gesture.

They manage a few times to ‘meet in the middle’ at competitions, but these are always short, fraught affairs with kisses stolen in cheap hotel corridors and too little down time to ever get much space to be alone. But they do get to swim together, and feeling Rin in the water, beating him or being beaten by him, sometimes tells Haru more than a few harried moments ever could. 

They learn pretty quickly that they are terrible at phone sex. Haru only really needs to hear Rin’s voice, to know Rin is there, but Rin seems to want _direction_ and _descriptions_. Rin’s far too embarrassed to try fooling around over video too so they settle for ‘chats’ and the occasional shared dinner on Skype (although Haru suspects Rin only arranges these so he can hassle him about his food choices).

It's hard. Haru had known it would be. Between the their two relentless training and studying schedules they don't talk as much as he would like. But when they do Rin is always still Rin, his Rin, and so, as the weeks and months slowly stack up Haru is finally able to fully release his fear that Rin is somehow going to disappear from him, past hurts finally laid to rest.

And they don’t grow apart. If anything, there are small strange ways in which Haru feels that all the miles between them bring them closer together. Because as much as the distance hurts, it also gives them space, gives them time, time to together grow into what had felt so urgent and desperate and overwhelming in Iwatobi.

Besides without touch, without swimming together, they have to talk.

Haru learns to tell Rin the things that previously he would keep shut and locked in his own head. Like how he dreams about him, how he buys his brand of shampoo to feel him close and sleeps each night in the shirt he stole from him. Rin never had much of an issue with words, but he starts to learn to let his words say more, mean more. To be more vulnerable. Haru likes that now Rin feels able to casually drop into conversation small details like ‘i messed up my set really badly’ or ‘That damn fly guy from Perth beat me again’  - because in these small details of struggle he can see that this is honest, real. Rin isn’t trying to be perfect for him, he’s letting Haru see all of it.

Despite the silence of his first time in Australia, Haru isn’t too surprise to lean that Rin’s is just generally better at the long distance thing than him anyway - his romantic streak showing in the hand written letters that sometimes arrive, surprise deliveries to Haru’s apartment and a steady stream of one line texts and emails just letting Haru know he thought of him, or saw something Haru would like.

Haru thinks about Rin all the time too of course, but he still finds it difficult sometimes to call those small flashes of memory, of longing, into words. So he sketches, and paints. Page after page and canvas after canvas of moments and memories that make him think of Rin.

Maybe he’ll even show Rin himself. He thinks Rin would like that, though it will probably also make him cry.

* * *

The terminal is busy, but Haru spots him the moment he’s through the sliding doors. A flash of red. Broad shoulders. Tan skin. Haru’s heart leaps and he wants to disappear into the feeling. Because Rin _is here_. Rin is home.

 Rin is already running and Haru braces his knees just in time as Rin launches himself at him, tackling Haru so enthusiastically that Haru only just manages to keep them upright, Rin’s bags toppling to the ground. Haru ignores the looks they get, doesn’t care, can’t think of anything other than the fact Rin is back in his arms, back where he belongs. He feels tears on his cheek and honestly can’t tell if they are his or Rin’s, or maybe a mixture of the two. And that doesn’t matter either. Because _Rin is home._

He buries his face in Rin’s neck and breathes in deeply. Rin pulls back slightly alarmed. 

“Woah Haru! I’ve been on a plane for like 11 hours don’t _smell_ me.”

Haru ignores him and burrows deeper against him. “You smell good Rin. You smell like you.”

“Tsk weirdo” Rin teases affectionately but he doesn’t loosen his grip either.

Rin is home. Home for at least three whole weeks. More if the national team try out go the way they should… races decided in the matter of hundreths of a second that have the power to decide where Rin will live and train.  

Haru doesn’t know exactly what those races, the next weeks, months or even years are going to bring. But he decides he doesn’t need to right now. Whatever happens he knows now that they can face it, make it work, together. And so all that matters in this moment is that Rin is here, that they are together and that they are in love.

Because he feels it, right down to his very core that Rin is his future. His forever. He belongs to Rin and Rin belongs to him. They’ve made a home in each others hearts, and while it’s not always the ‘easy’ that Haru hopes for or the ‘perfect’ that Rin strives for, it’s theirs... and so it's everything they need.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So endings are ...hard? I’ve been struggling with this for a while (almost since I had chapter 1 written) so while it’s not exactly as I would like it I feel like I’m ready for this to be closed off. This has been my first attempt at writing something from start to finish and while there is a bunch I would do differently, I did just want to say thank you to anyone that read this far or who commented / gave kudos at any point. I can’t tell you how encouraging I found it or how much those things really would make my day (my job has been SUPER crappy at the moment, so writing has been a bit of an attempt to do something that is just for me). In any case, I would be super open to any feedback on how I can improve, but regardless I’m really pleased to have joined AO3 and to see more of the fandom as so far you have all been too lovely. Thanks! Eliz x 
> 
> P.s. random side note, I know this story title doesn't make a whole lot of sense but it was taken from the lyrics to this song which was kind of the initial inspiration: (Cinematic Orchestra - That Home: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-wlwII_thtQ - spoke to me of the idea of Haru looking round his house at Rin’s belongings and feeling like it made it more of a home) anyway … thank you for reading!


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